118. How to use your voice to connect

It's my great pleasure to welcome back Simone Heng to the podcast. Simone is an incredible speaker, a dear friend and a brand new best selling author! In this episode we talk all things human connection – why it’s important, how we can strengthen it and of course how we can use our voice in the process.

Get Simone's book - Secret Pandemic HERE

Transcript

Hello, hello. It is my great pleasure to welcome back the Simone Heng to the podcast. Simone is an incredible speaker, a dear friend, and a brand new best selling author! Simone has just released her book called Secret Pandemic: The Search for Connection in a Lonely World. So I had to invite her back to talk all things, human connection, why it's important, how we can strengthen it.

And of course, how we can use our voice in the process. And if you're looking to make connections with other people and with your own voice, join the Members Only Masterclass Vault. Inside, you'll have access to hot seat coaching with me. There's a gold mine of valuable master classes, a place to share wins and ask for feedback.

It's a one-time fee for lifetime membership, and I will link to it in the show notes. And you know what, if you use the code CONFIDENCE, it'll shave 10% off for you. So pause now and come and join us in the masterclass vault. And yay. You're back. And we are diving into a conversation about connection with one of my favorite human connections, Simone Heng.

Sally: Simone, it is so exciting to have you back on the podcast. A huge congratulations on your book. Secret pandemic.

Simone: Thank you so much, Sally. And it's so wonderful to be back as well. You know, if those of you listening don't know, Sally's actually, I consider it a very personal friend that I've made on the internet.

We've become really close. So speaking about a human connection, but with someone who's, I consider one of my closest friends that I can be vulnerable with, uh, is such a gift.

Sally: Ah, right back at you. And I wasn't going to start with this, but it leads so beautifully into that. One of people's biggest fears. I hear it so often, I'm sure you do as well, is being vulnerable on the internet. Not wanting to share any personal information with anyone, but I feel like as we demonstrated, when you do put yourself out there, it can be the start of something really magical.

Simone: Absolutely. And vulnerability really is the root to true connection.

It gets rid of any transactional, competitive, um, any of those initial, um, maybe human responses you find. Even if you watch movies where two characters are at odds, when one is finally bought vulnerable with the other, that's where connection happens. And it's not in movies for nothing. It really is how it works.

And if you don't put anything, um, vulnerable out there at all, you're missing out on a big pool of connection but I understand it's also difficult because as you read in the book, I was not vulnerable for about 20 years of my life.

Sally: Yeah. And I know for you putting the book out, putting such personal stories, relationships with your parents and all of that out into the world, it was even another step of vulnerability for you. You have shared so much on your, on the internet.

Simone: It was terrifying, Sally. I think the One thing that heightened my stress during an already stressful pandemic was that I didn't intend for the book to be so vulnerable, but I had a book, um, team like a coach. And one of the things the coach said was the closer you write to the truth, the better your book will be.

That is the best advice. You know, sometimes people, coach, you're say you read a book and you just get one. That nugget has changed my life because how this book has landed, particularly in Singapore, where as Asian people we show face. So we don't like to, we definitely don't expose things about our family, but we also don't like to be vulnerable even in our facial expressions, let alone, in our words, let alone in print.

And so this was a huge gamble and I think it revealed something a little bit about my nature and Sally you're my good friend, but for everyone else, I actually think maybe I am a bit of a risk taker. And then, and I didn't realize how actually brave I was. This is probably the biggest act of bravery in my life.

And obviously dad's passed away and, um, my mum is no longer cognitive. So one of the big, painful things for a lot of people who would like to write their story is what holds them back is that their parents could be hurt by what they're reading about. My mom doesn't even know that I've written a book. She doesn't even understand what's going on.

And there was, it's very sad, but obviously I've dealt with it for almost a decade now. So you've kind of accepted it, but these weird blessing that comes out of tragedy is that I was free to help other people with this story without the fear of what will my parents think. Aunties and uncles, um, I'm sure they are gasping or saying whatever, but they certainly, after reading the book will probably think Simone is not in the position that I'm going to go and say anything to her about my opinions of where I think, because I'm very clear about some of those things as well.

The external family criticism that. Yeah, we grow up with, in our culture as well. So that has all made it a wonderful emotional victory for me if you like.

Sally: Oh, and congratulations, emotional victory. I love that. And you could apply that same piece of great advice to a speech. The closer you speak to the truth, the better your speech will be.

Simone: Yes. I just took part in this speaker contest and I'm not going to name the name because I was completely blindsided and baffled by. I think it was kind of like the radio contest we used to run where we already kind of know what, who, what, when are we picking? And it's kind of rigged, um, because it has a sponsor and you also have to go with that.

But one of the big things I saw up again and again in the speeches was like people giving their own CVs, people beating themselves up in their content. And one thing we know. It's like, firstly, be closer to the truth and what you're going to say, but make the, make the audience, the hero of the speech. You are not the hero of the speech.

So whether you studied at Harvard or you went to NCF and all these things, like don't use your 12 minutes of precious time to talk about that. And it's kind of a rookie speaking mistake. And I was very shocked that I understand it was a competition and maybe that's why people had to feel there to absurd.

Uh, certain selves, but my view is if you have an online following, everyone can see what you've done anyway. So don't waste that speech time, giving your bigging yeah. Giving your credentials. It was like what people started with. It's like, it's not about you. What is your message? You are about the shell, the conduit for the message. So give us the message.

Would you go to a dinner party and sit at the dinner party until the person you've just met all your credentials? Now, if you would, then maybe you would be like that in the speech, but what that does when you do it in the speech is make us assume you're also that person in real life and that's deeply unlikable, right?

That disconnects us from people immediately when we are next to someone we perceive as a braggart. And so I was, yeah, I definitely think when you're on stage, speak as close to the truth, as you can.

Sally: Um, and be that conduit. I was speaking with a client in a session yesterday and she was saying, I just hate having this pressure to entertain and make it enjoyable for people.

I said, well, the same thing that you just said is it's not about that. You just be the, be the conduit. So do you have any more advice for how people can make it about the audience and about the message and not about themselves?

Simone: Yeah. So one of the great examples that I watched in this particular session was a gentleman.

Experienced boomer, male speaker. And I think when someone has been speaking for a long time, they want to kind of make it more interesting for themselves cause they're bored. So he started trying to do almost standup comedy, imitating Italian people's accents and stuff, and it was so out of touch. And I, that is another thing as well.

My other tip would be don't try and be funny if you're not a funny person. Respect the forum of whatever the modality is. We can be creative, but within the boundaries of that forum. So if I see someone who's trying really hard to be funny, um, and they're an experienced speaker, I assume it's, they're bored with having done keynotes for years.

They're trying to make it interesting maybe for themselves rather than care about what the audience under the contract that the audience has with the speaker. The topic of the speech is the contract. They have come to see that content. So firstly, understand the contract with yourself and the audience. What the audience has agreed to sign up, to be there, to see and keep the content directed towards that.

Um, I think also when you use case studies in your speeches do not make yourself the case study. And I saw this recently, I was speaking in an event and before me, uh, somebody from HR internal to the company was speaking and not a professional speaker, obviously a novice. I mean, I've since given her like a free lifetime membership to courageous speaking.

Um, you know, she used herself through the whole speech as every case study for every point about culture and leadership that she wanted to see at the organization. When we do that, and it's one of the first things a mentor taught me, is like, we, firstly make herself super unlikable. If the audience doesn't like you, they will not ingest your message.

And secondly, you'll kind of, you are, you're kind of saying you do it perfectly. Which is not an active vulnerability. Remember vulnerability connects us by saying I don't do it perfectly, but look, I'm the curator of the research and I've gone and spoken to the people that are doing it really well. In my speeches, it's a taxi driver. It's my father and his shop. And then let the audience be the hero because they're traveling along that journey. They feel they're making the connections with the content instead of you telling them, then they feel really good about themselves as well.

Sally: Um, it's an interesting balance though, because there's also a lot of power in sharing our personal story as well, wouldn't you say?

Simone: Absolutely. So you can do that in micro moments where you say, and I realized this and I made the connection that, um, and you can, of course what I mean is when you're using a case study to demonstrate how well something was done, um, it sounds a lot better where it was either a story where you had an epiphany where you were doing something wrong and then you, you found out, oh my gosh, I could learn to do this better because, so that works really well.

But for example, there's a part of my speech about commonalities. And, uh, a great moment happened when I was in Portugal at the end of last year where somebody else used this bit of thought leadership of mine, like on me. Uh, and it's an incredible story. Me and these people didn't speak the same language.

Um, and I, that, that moment was so profound that it made its way into the speech versus me saying, when I meet new people, I go out and use commonalities connect by I do this and I do. Sounds so much better when somebody else did it to you. And then you can still say you were still in the story. You were part of the story, but you're not the exempla of the thought leadership. Hope that's more clear.

Sally: It's such a good point. Yeah. And so what is the role of our voice in human connection? Let me read this part of the book. We'll go through it. I love this, this little paragraph, which is about harnessing the power of your voice. And it says, if the person is a quiet. Match their volume level. If they speak a language, you speak. Then switched to theirs. If they speak English as a second language and struggle to understand, then slow your own speech down, make it easier for the other person on any level to connect with you more quickly, meeting them more than halfway.

Simone: Yeah, absolutely. I, this is one of my favorite things and I, I learned this a bit from research and also from kind of watching my dad. Multi-lingual people will understand this and it happens a lot in Singapore. People watch us. So I love seeing this unfold all the time, but basically when we were evolving as early men in tribes, human connection kept us safe. So there was safety in numbers. It was to do with our survival. And as a result of this, if we were, um, meeting a person now in the modern day, that cave man brain, cave person brain, when we were early man still sits in our head and it still wants to connect, but we connect better with people we perceive it more like us, like they're our tribe. And so what happens is if we see someone who might not physically look like us, that speaks in a similar way to us. So of course I don't look like the traditional Ozzie, but when I meet Aussies overseas or I meet south or Marlo or Brooke, they can hear a little bit of, um, an Aussie accent in my, you know, in my voice and they immediately go, oh, we're from the same tribe. And we obviously have some commonalities we can connect on. And that's one of the ways I might fit in my Aussie accent. Uh, when I arrive in Australia to see my family, not intentionally, it just happens. And that's part of that naturally innate need to connect and you'll see it all the time with people who are multilingual, they will swap into words of their second language to meet the person whose first language. They might not speak English very well with it, they have the same second and first language, they will swap a great human connector would do this to meet that person. Who's struggling with English 80% of the way so they can be understood versus just going 50% of the way, which is what we've always been told. Treat other people as they treat us well, I would advocate like why don't we in the year 2022, when connection is so difficult, meet them further, meet them 80%. My dad did that very well.

Sally: Um, it's like the chameleon effect where more likely. They say you're a good connector. If when you travel overseas, you, you pick up their accident quite quickly. It shows that

Simone: Yes! You have a, you have a malleable ear, right?

Sally: Um, and so what are some practical tips for people? How can they better connect? Let's just take the Zoom meeting as an example.

Simone: So one of the biggest, um, bits of research that I love from Vanessa van Edwards, who's a communications coach in the U S she talks about, um, the hands. So the first thing she found early men, when early person, I should say, sorry, I not very Gen Z today. Um, early person, first thing you'd noticed when you'd meet someone from a foreign tribe is you would not glance at their eyes, their mouth, their face you'd glance at their hands, because hands behind the back could yield a weapon where they could kill you. Food they've stolen from your campsite, all those kinds of things. Even to this day, when we are looking at a speaker on stage or even on zoom, we are looking for their hands. Hands below the desk with the Zoom video, cropped cropping them out is, is not.

Digital body language for building trust. Trust is the cornerstone of connection. So we need to zoom out in that video, having the bottom of the laptop screen, intersecting with, um, that wonderful triangle of muscle called the diaphragm that we have so that the hands are in the shot and I'm doing it right now, but you can't see me so that you can just stipulate when you just stipulate on digital, you connect better with the audience.

It's a very subconscious thing, but if your video is cropped up, they can't see your hands. They're wondering what you're doing. So that's really important. The framing, keeping those eyes. Of course, we've all learnt this, keeping those eyes to camera when you're delivering. Um, I believe when you're in a multiperson zoom group where there's lots of people, you can defer your eyes away with another speaker speaking.

I actually think it's kind of polite. Cause you'd look crazy in the gallery view. Just you looking up and not looking at the person. Um, you'd look like you were trying to take the floor in a business meeting, right? So I think in that scenario, it's totally fine for you to defer eye contact. Um, I also believe that you can in one-on-one. A lot of people say during one-on-one chats that you should be giving the eye contact to the camera while the other person is talking to simulate the same connection we would have in person as at a coffee.

Now, the problem with that is I feel you might not be able to fully ingest the message with the other person. If it's intimate. If Sal and I were doing this conversation, not recording it. And we were just asked, catching up, which we do on Zoom. I would be totally fine. Looking at sales face while she was talking and looking back up high stakes business meeting first, meeting someone, I think maybe then give that person if it's a job interview that I contact of you listening by looking into the camera as the talking and giving those same body language cues you would give if you're at coffee and real life.

So nod if they're saying something interesting, smile. You will probably not get to see them as much, but if it's about you getting that next round of job interviews, it's going to communicate a lot more connection to them.

Sally: Absolutely. And just like in real life, if we were catching up for coffee, you wouldn't be staring into the other person's eyes the whole entire time, unless it was some kind of dreamy first date.

And so it's kind of the same thing. So you can on Zoom, you can still look down if you're writing something or look away and then you can look back. It's not about being fixated the whole entire time, because that could look a little bit freaky. Just like if you went out for a coffee with somebody and they just looked at!

Simone: Yeah, I was really conflicted when I saw advice like that, because I find it quite, um, almost so unnatural that you would miss a lot of the other person's message. And of course, connection is not about you. It's all about the other person. So you wouldn't want to be doing that. And then later on you're like, I can't remember what Sally said because I was so busy, like trying to give at the camera, look here the camera, but I do definitely think when you're delivering, like more than two lines do look at the camera.

Sally: Okay. Great. And what about in person? What are some ways that we can connect if we're speaking on a panel or on stage?

Simone: Yeah. Sure. So firstly understand that commonalities connect. So think about your commonalities with the majority of the people in the audience and use that to create some witty report day, some opening, um, you know, sort of lines or things that you can build rapport at the beginning of a panel, for example.

So I would always, and you will see this over and over again. You can watch if I do a speech in America versus the same speech in Asia, and I think there's some on YouTube. I will look at my audience, my accent, and immediately will naturally neutralize. I will throw words of Singlish in I'm trying to show them I'm part of their tribe.

That is what's happening and great human connection. Subconsciously, but if you are finding yourself socially awkward after the pandemic, look at your audience, how do you have a lot of things in common? And I would do the same when I go to America and I have some Asian case studies. Um, like I talk about a Singapore and politician.

I then contextualize it. I have a follow-up story about Monica Lewinsky so that they can see that that example given for their market. Um, I definitely explain things like if I talk about Singapore, Malaysia, then I say, you know, it's like Australian, New Zealand, America, and Canada. So think of how you can connect with your audience on their terms, not on your terms.

It's not a one-way exchange, even when you're speaking on a stage, how do I contextualize my content for the people I'm speaking to? Because commonalities connect. Look at different, you've heard this a million times if you listened to Sally's podcast, I'm sure this has been shared but look at individual different members of the audience throughout the speech.

So you can connect with their icon. And give that space. This is something that novice speakers find terrifying, but it's very, very vital. You know, you've got to be given. That I contact to connect with different members of your audience. I did it very badly when I first started speaking, I would be so nervous.

I'd kind of look above people's heads, but I think it's really important that we're connecting with different members of the audience as we go and making them feel safe. Try and look for the people who are very responsive to you. As you're speaking, there will always be two or three who are nodding, who are giving you that. Even in my most conservative Singapore and audiences that are not emotive, I'm looking for, I should call them lighthouse faces, faces.

I'm going to do a video on this lighthouse faces. They're your lighthouse to guide you in the storm. They are the people I'm totally doing a video on this girlfriend. That was great. Thank you for this. The people who are the light in the storm that had given you that connection so that you can keep going through those nerves as you, as you speak. If you look for the people who are shut down and not responding, you will crash into the rocks.

Sally: Yeah, it's such a great metaphor. I love it because so often when people say, oh, I feel like I lost the audience. It's like, well, no, you're just focusing on the wrong audience.

Simone: And then it gets in your head and it's "sabo", what we say in Singlish. Sabo is the Singlish for sabotage. It will sabotage your, uh, speech. So look for the lighthouse faces.

Sally: Yeah. And make it a, more of a dialogue than a monologue. And you've got those lighthouses guiding them. Oh, well, I will keep an eye out for that video.

Simone: I got to do it today. I'm putting makeup on to have lunch after this. So with my new haircut, I think we have to do a video.

Sally: Yes, absolutely.

Simone: This is why I love doing podcasts. I, the last podcast I did the Asian-American podcast. I got the title for my next book because of the question, the power, this is the power of human connection to innovation. If you're listening studies cannot COVID that said that us employees found that they did not think that there was a reduction in innovation due to a lack of human connection.

And I would argue strongly against whoever the people that study were because for me, the incidental serendipitous moments that Sally and I just had, that is the contribution of human connection in business.

Sally: I am in the very early stages of writing a book as well.

And one of the things that I did was shout out to my, not really a shout out a call out to my community to say, what does speaking from your soul mean to you? I have been blown away. Overwhelmed by the responses that have come in, not just the volume and from people I've never heard of. Like, people who've been on my mailing list, but I've never, ever had a connection with them.

And it's not just the volume, but the quality of the words coming in, I'm like, oh my gosh, I feel like I should not, I should not be taking credit because some of these words are so amazing. And that is the gift of, of connecting, of just calling out and saying, can you help me?

Simone: Yes, you're like crowdfunding ideas. And Sally, I think for you in terms, and we talk about this a lot of line, but this is the deepening, the deepening of your message. And I saw that with my own community. Once I shifted away from the pretty pictures and the, that said, I just did a hairstyle post last night cause I cut my hair, but that's rare these days for me, I try and make sure that every post is going is deepening my connection with them. Reciprocity is a huge signifier of authentic connection. So the fact that they're reciprocating shows that the connection you're having with your following is deepening because they're reciprocating on a level you've never seen before.

And I think that's how, you know, you have the right idea for your book. So I love it. And I can't wait and I'm so happy and like glowing for you that you have tapped into this incredible title. That you're going to take that space and fill that space because that message needs to be heard.

Sally: Oh, thank you. I really feel like for you human connection and speaking from your soul, they are, they are two sisters of the same family.

Simone: Totally. You're my twin of destiny. Do you remember that cartoon? I still watch it on all the TV in Australia, after school. I'm a little bit older than Sally. So maybe we had different afterschool programming, but it was a little Chinese, I think.

And it was the same time as Captain Planet. So little Chinese boy and a blonde American girl, I think. And they were twins of destiny from around the other side of the world. And they were friends that I had adventures and solved problems. That's you and me.

Sally: Oh my gosh. I love that. So good. Was there anything else you wanted to add?

Simone: I just wanted to say that you're a blessing and your listeners are a blessing and should they want to do anything about the book or, you know, I'm all over social media. I love connecting with people in the DMs, even more than the comments, because we have real voice in our conversations and the DMs. Human connection is something that we all need.

If you are feeling alone and you don't know how to fix it, and you're confused about the feelings you're having, please read my book, secret pandemic. I feel like it's medicine for people in that exact space. Whether you're. Asian white or any other color of the rainbow, it seems to have really resonated with people in a way that I didn't expect.

And if you are feeling that conflicting set of emotions, please grab the book it's on Amazon now.

Sally: I highly, highly recommended. It is so full of inspiring stories, but also very, very practical tips. And I feel like you've hit the heart. I'm not a book reviewer, by the way, this is just freestyling. I feel like you've really hit people's hearts, but given them the courage to take action.

Simone: Yeah. I got an email from a guy who said after reading a book, I think I need a therapist. Can you connect me? And that is the idea that if you're confused about your feelings and loneliness, it takes you to a qualified professional from there on. It's also very easy to read so. That part of it has been a joy as well for me to see people actually finish it and just like get through it in a weekend, which is great.

Sally: Um, oh, amazing. Congratulations!

Simone: Thank you, my darling. And I can't wait to be with you on your book journey.

Sally: I'll have to make it happen now. Of course, I will. Simone, it was so wonderful to have you back on the podcast.

Simone: I was so lucky to be here, bye!