129. Sexpression with Tamica Wilder

Sexpress yourself!

If you're a woman, there's a reason your vocal cords look like something else! Our vocal expression and sexual expression are inextricably linked.

This episode features sexologist Tamica Wilder and explains how communication is key for sexual release, the importance of breathing and her number one tip for getting in touch with your body.

Transcript

Welcome to Episode 128 of That Voice Podcast, Sexpression. I feel like breaking into Madonna. Sexpress yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll just leave that there. This episode features the sensational Tamica Wilder, aka the Orgasmic Mama. Tamica is a sex coach and multi qualified therapist. We first met on the Gold Coast taking NLP practitioner training together, and Tamica is all about giving full permission to shamelessly prioritize pleasure and play.

Love that. Our chat today focuses on the voice, of course, how communication is key for sexual release, the importance of breathing, and Tamica also shares her number one tip for getting in touch with your body. And, if you are keen to get more in touch with your body and your voice on a deep level and get to the heart of what it is to speak your truth and express yourself freely,

then come and join my sacred six-week circle, Speak From Your Soul. The new dates have been announced and I would love to see you take advantage of the pre-sale offer. I'll pop the link to more information on that in the show notes. Okay. Are you ready to sexpress yourself?

Sally: Tamica Wilder. Welcome to that voice podcast. So great to finally have you on the show.

Tamica: Well, thank you very much. Thanks for having me.

Sally: Why on earth would I get a sexologist? On a podcast about voice.

Tamica: I know why. I know why. Because you know what you're talking about . Because you are an expert on voice and it's actually so obvious to, to people who are, and people that really understand that actually our ability to express ourselves, our ability to be in our body, to be articulate, to be strong and confident in the way that we're speaking is in a lot of ways linked to our sexuality, our life loss energy, and our ability to be fully inhabiting our body, which includes our sex. And when we are discounting or rejecting aspects of self.

Sex, for example, our sexuality, our pleasure, our playfulness, our um, sensuality. When we are discounting any aspect of self, then it shows up on the stage. It shows up on the microphone, it shows up in other pockets in of our life where it's really important that we are fully expressed.

Sally: Mm. Communication is such a big part of it, isn't it?

Do you find that when a woman or clients that you work with are feeling disconnected? Releasing the voice and communicating in a particular way or practicing communication is where you start?

Tamica: Communication is definitely a big, yeah, beginning place for a lot of women who, who end up working with me. And it's not just communication the way that we are used to understanding it.

So I say this, they say that, you know, using the English language or whatever language you speak, it's actually communication that is nonverbal. It is, um, you know, soundings, frequencies. It's you being able to fully own your vocal abilities in a way that helps you access your animal body, your erotic body, and again, your self expression in ways that you wouldn't usually be taught.

So yes, it's about unlearning lots of things that we've learned about communication and, and learning things that are far more, um, natural to us as humans.

Sally: And how did you get into this type of work?

Tamica: My whole life I've had. A sign on my head that says, Safe person to talk about sex with. Safe person to talk about gnarly things with, I don't know, it's just been a big part of me for a very long time.

And you know, I started with lots of, um, group work facilitation and running workshops in high schools and all sorts of places and. Even then as I studied more energy work and, and body work stuff, so like kinesiology for example, people would just keep coming to me for sexuality based issues. So I couldn't get rid of that sign.

And so I decided to formalize and really, um, you know, focus on, on this aspect of, of my craft. And, um, yeah, it's in my stars. I was meant to do this .

Sally: Yeah. And so what, where do you start with a client who is feeling very silenced. Not very self-expressed. What kind of activities can they do or what sort of exercises do you go through?

Tamica: Mm, so linking sound and breath is a really good beginning point cuz often we are breathing incorrectly and we are stifling or shutting down energy inside our bodies through incorrect breathing. So being able to use breath and sound together as a way to start getting used to hearing yourself, getting used to feeling vibrations through the body.

So humming, sighing, gentle kind of, um, yeah, moaning or whistling on things that are, are really very gentle and noninvasive is a great place to start for people who are under expressed in the throat and people who are breathing it correctly. Do you ever see a link to that? I feel like that would be common.

Sally: It's so interesting, Tamica, because that, that is exactly where I start as well.

So we start with the gentle and hopefully my microphone picks this up, but just, Hm, just the mouth closed, humming. Then the, ah, I'm playing with the pictures as well. Yes. Ah,

Tamica: Yes.

Sally: Ah, and I know you would do a lot of this as well and an exercise I like to do for myself as well is to hum or sigh while shaking my whole body like "Aaaaaaah"

You know me outside of this. And it's interesting because I do, I can be quite composed

Tamica: Yeah.

Sally: And quite reserved. Yeah. People listen to me might be like, Really? Yeah. It's funny. I am often very reserved and poised and composed, and it really helps me before speaking especially and doing social media to twist.

Yeah, I know you can't see me now, but I'm twisting. I'm moving my shoulders.

Tamica: And she's been twisting and rolling around and it looks amazing. . Well, actually, it's cool when you really get that moment where you go, It doesn't matter how I look, this is me getting embodied and it's gonna help my voice, it's gonna help my pleasure, it's gonna help me be in the felt experience of what it's like to be alive right now. Because that's actually what speaking is about as well, isn't it? It's like how can we transfer that sense of aliveness and power and, and grace and vulnerability and, and story and tone and all of these things. How can I really transfer me to my audience? And it's exactly the same with sex. How can I be the, the most of me, the most authentic, vibrant and liven articulate, pleasure-filled me and be that way in my partnerships and all of my connections. And yeah, that congruence, I think, is such a practice. And to think that it starts with gentle humming and moving our shoulders and being embodied.

It's like, yeah, it does. That's where it starts.

Sally: Oh, Tamica. The felt experience of what it is to be alive.

Tamica: Yes.

Sally: Oh, put that on a mug or t-shirt! It's so good. Yes, and it is about the congruence. You might have seen, I did a video not too long ago on Instagram, which got a fair bit of interest and it was describing the link between our vocal chords and our yoni.

Tamica: Yes.

Sally: And I dunno what it's like for men and that's one thing, but for females it really does anatomically look very similar. So if you Google vocal chords, vocal chords while singing, it'll look like you're looking up pornography. Yeah, I'd really encourage it. Cause it's so fascinating. And there is that link.

Tamica: Mm.

Sally: If you're disconnected from one. You'll shut off the other.

Tamica: Yeah, absolutely. And yeah, I think just a simple placement of awareness, so some education around facts like you've just described, and then being able to place your awareness in different parts of your body I find really can unlock different energetics and different embodied communications and

Sally: And how do you do that?

Tamica: Yeah. So literally, if you think about meditation, mindfulness, the idea is that you are remaining focused on breath, for example, and then thoughts and other things come and you witness those and let them kind of fall away and just keep bringing your attention and focus back to your breath.

So it's the same with placement of awareness in the body. You think of an aspect of your body, a part of your body that you want to focus on and place all of your attention, your resting attention there. For some people, it helps to visualize. So taking, for example, the yoni or even your cervix or the vaginal canal, and placing all of your awareness down into the base, down into that part of your body, and then allowing your breath and allowing your sound and your movement.

To undulate forth through the body as your awareness is there in that, that part of you is a beautiful, beautiful practice for presence with self presence, with erotic energy, and also then presence with your full expression and your authentic voice that can come through. After having put all of your awareness and attention on that part of your body.

Sally: Yeah, it's so powerful. Breath being like the prana, the life force, the energy force. And this is why you might have also heard me say for speaking, breathe down into your bottom. Breathe down into your vagina. Yes. Breathe it nice and deep. And you can also in the same way, breathe into your heart. And you can breathe up into the crown.

You can breathe into your feet. And having that awareness of where the breath flows

Tamica: Yes.

Sally: Has makes such a difference, not just in your vocal quality yet, also in how powerful you feel in expressing whatever it is you wanting to share.

Tamica: That's that's right. I think some people get caught up thinking, Oh, how do I breathe into my feet?

That's ridiculous. You can't do that. I'd breathe with my. Yes, yes, you breathe with your lungs and your diaphragm, and for me it's about, as I said, placement of awareness and also intending. I'm intending to take a focus to a new part of me. I'm intending to take a focus and awareness to my crown or to third eye or throat or wherever it may be.

So permission to practice as well. I think a lot of people, we expect to learn or get new information and then be able to do it tomorrow, but actually, like with anything, this stuff takes lots of practice.

Sally: Sure does. So as a sexologist, what is the main reason people come to you? What is the problem they present with?

Tamica: A lot of people come because they have been disconnected from their sexual self and their sensation and their pleasure. So a lot of people who are mothers who are just like, I'm super stressed and overwhelmed and now I need to get back to my body. Um, some people come because they are having what they consider to be

good sex and they wanna make it great. They actually wanna deepen their self expression, deepen their, um, sensation and connection to the body. Cause there's some women who are like, All I'm rocking in my business. This is all feeling good. I've got the relationship of my dreams and I want to go deeper. I want go higher.

I want to like lift the lid on everything that I know is there for me. Like really find my potential and go for it. And so that's some of my, um, my bigger kind of coaching and, and yeah, business containers where people get to use their sexuality and their full expression to, um, fully rock life.

Sally: Oh yes, please. And where can people find you if they're keen to learn more about that?

Tamica: Yeah, so on Instagram, I'm at the Orgasmic Mama, or one word, m a m a, being the mama spelling. Um, theorgasmicmama.com is my website and I can give you some links as well. So to some free downloads and playlists and sexy things like that.

Sally: Oh, that would be awesome. Yes. And I will put all of those in the show notes. We aren't finished yet. No, don't think this is the wrapup. I just thought that was a great place to, to put in where people can go. Okay. So do you find that, I'd imagine similar to voice coaching in a way, people come for one, one reason and then I often surprised with what it brings out?

Tamica: Always, yes.

Sally: So when it comes to voice, for example, do you find clients, You know, they think it's all, it's all below the bra. It's all below the belt, Everything's all down there. And then when you're talking about communication, they go, Wow. Oh my gosh. I never thought my voice in the way I expressed myself through words was part of this.

Tamica: Yeah, absolutely. It's really, really common for people to be surprised about the themes that come forward when we are talking about sexuality. It really is a thoroughfare to every single other element of your life that, you know needs a bit of an upgrade, so...

Sally: Oh, say that again. It really is a thoroughfare to every other part of your life that needs an upgrade.

Tamica: Yeah, it is.

Sally: Oh!

Tamica: So many people like, you know, I've done heaps of personal development. I'm really great with da da, and they list all these things that they've done and it's like, okay, sexuality was the missing piece in all of that. And then it has them go back to elements that were, you know, stones that were unturned.

And, um, you know, it's part of why I'm so passionate about the sexuality work because I really do feel like it needs to be included in far more of our commonly yeah, our, our common personal development narratives. And it needs to be far more included in all education, actually. But yeah, people are surprised often, and then so delighted to think that they can, you know, do things like engage in self pleasure or move more into the full spectrum of who they are as a person and be improving their intimate relationships, improving their, you know, um, ability to communicate and be confident in improving their sex, obviously improving their businesses and their, their, the way that they are in the world. It's really just about fully being exactly who you wanna be in the world.

Sally: For a lot of people, I imagine there would be that clear divide, right? Like, this is my work and this is my business. And what happens behind closed doors is my business and I'm sure you'd hear this as well. I have heard from women who are well into their fifties and sixties who dunno how to give themselves an orgasm, for example. And that's just extraordinary and shows really how society, it's, it's changing now yet has still made this a taboo subject not to be talked about.

Tamica: Yeah, the taboo is still really, really huge. And you're right, it is changing. Um, just the very fact that we, we get to dive into this education now. I think generations back, you know, my parents and grandparents and before there'd be real consequences for people who wanted to pioneer this type of work or wanted to find out more about their pleasure. It was in some ways life and death. In some ways, you'd get kicked out of the tribe for really wanting to find out who you were in this respect. So we are really, really lucky that we get to do this work now, and that's something that I always try and remind people. Have some gratitude for the opportunities. And then with that, take them up.

You know, do what your grandparents couldn't do. What you know, your mom couldn't. And we create change. Then from for future generations when we can really claim our pleasure and claim our bodies.

Sally: You don't need to look that far around the world with stories of where women are being oppressed, where the voices are being pushed down.

Where laws are changing that are taking us backwards, not forwards. And so in a world where there is still clearly so much oppression, it's empowering to go back to the individual.

Tamica: Yes.

Sally: You know, like, what can, what can I do? Well, we can all connect with ourselves better. Yes. And learn to express ourselves better through voice and sexuality.

Tamica: Absolutely.

Sally: As an integrated thing,

Tamica: What I often hear is that when these things are happening abroad, where we're seeing narratives of women's voices in particular being squashed, it can be really easy to move into guilt or grief and continue to keep ourselves small because, oh my gosh, how dare I live such a fully expressed life when women over there cannot.

And actually the flip of that is how dare you not because your own personal activism, your pleasure revolution, your self-expression revolution is the thing that keeps you awake and alive enough to stand up when it's needed. I see this as a part, a really, really important part of our activism, not only personally, but on a global scale. Because then when we are moved by things or when we need to, yeah, stand up and use our voice and protest. We have the fortitude, we have the energy and the life force available to us. So cultivating our connection to that is super, super important, especially when women all over the world cannot yet do this. We can. So we absolutely should.

Sally: Oh, Tamica. When are you getting your own television show? So powerful. Full body chills. I absolutely love that.

Tamica: Thanks, Sally. Yeah, it can be really easy for us to want to perfect and, and get quite rigid and self critical, and actually I think our work shares some commonalities in, in this regard. This is about rewilding, getting open, letting go of the things that keep us in those rigid places.

And actually just having some fun as well. Moving into life force in as many moments as possible into eroticism as many moments as possible, and then live from that place. Speak from that place.

Sally: And if there was one thing that you could suggest somebody could practically do to begin that rewilding, what would you suggest?

Tamica: Get into nature more. So if you're someone who's like at a desk a lot, or it's accidentally been a long time between bush walks, get into nature, get connected, like even if it's raining, I don't care. The temperature, get into the dirt, convene with the trees. Smell something different, like putting your body in nature changes our coherence and I think is a very big step toward the rewilding process.

Sally: Tamica Wilder, thank you so much for coming on That Voice Podcast.

Tamica: You're very welcome. Thanks for having me. Loved it.