181. Beyond date night - introducing the Relationship Meeting
Patrick is finally on the podcast! My amazing boyfriend joins me to chat about our monthly Relationship Meetings.
This is something we've been doing for over a year and they've helped us become closer.
Feeling safe to share your voice and speak your truth in your relationship, extends to feeling that way in public.
Tune in for this heart-felt, honest, funny conversation about -
💓 What a Relationship Meeting is.
💓 How ours works.
💓 Why it might be a great idea for your relationship.
Transcript
Hello and Merry Christmas. I have something very special and very different for you this holiday week. My beautiful boyfriend Patrick, is joining me on That Voice Podcast to chat all about our monthly relationship meetings. This is something we've been doing for over a year and they've been great. They've helped us become closer and stronger and more focused. You'll hear all about it. Now, as you know, this isn't a relationship podcast. It's a communication podcast. And if you can't feel safe to share your voice and speak your truth and be heard in your relationship, how can you feel safe to share your voice and speak your truth and be heard beyond that? And so much of the work I do with my private clients begins with communication in their relationship, the language, the dynamic, the polarity, because how you communicate in private impacts directly how you communicate in public. And at the time of recording this, I have just a couple of private coaching spots left for 2024. So yes, I hope you enjoy this episode. I even left the unofficial start and ending in there for you. We cover what a relationship meeting is, how ours works, and why it might be a great idea for your relationship.
Sally:
Okay, you ready? Get a little bit closer.
Patrick:
Okay,
Sally:
Patrick, welcome to the podcast!
Patrick:
Good evening. And it was nice to be here, finally.
Sally:
So the reason we're having this chat is it has been, uh, more than 12 months of us doing relationship meetings. And every time I put any kind of content out about these meetings, people are very curious. Um, and considering I'm not the chair of the meetings, I thought it would be better to have you on to help me talk about it.
Patrick:
And they are run as meetings. They're not run like conversations. We have, uh, an agenda we call the meeting to order. We read out the previous minutes and everything. So it is a proper meeting.
Sally:
It's literally the most formal meeting I have in my life,. So, just to give people a bit of context, why did we start doing these meetings about a year ago?
Patrick:
Oh, well, um, maybe your best place to talk about that, but, uh, I think we reached a stage where we didn't want to drift apart's not the right word, but we wanted to make sure,
Sally:
Keep going the way we were going kind of thing.
Patrick:
We're going in a good direction. And the best way to do that was to communicate. And uh, you know, sometimes in your normal life you're just not communicating about those important things 'cause uh, they're not just coming up in your normal conversations. So this is an opportunity to deliberately tackle and identify those really important things in a relationship and work out what we were doing.
Sally:
And I saw on Twitter, uh, this guy talking about relationship meetings with a bit of an agenda. And I raised the idea and you were like, oh yeah, I'm up for it.
Patrick:
Yeah. Straightaway we thought, well, this sounds like a great idea, but working out the agenda, that was almost like the first, the first hurdle. 'Cause there is no one agenda that suits everyone. You have to kind of, uh, massage and look around and find what suits you. And our first one might've had a few hiccups 'cause uh, the agenda just didn't quite suit me. So
Sally:
Yeah, you felt like it was like open slather for me to pick on everything about you.
Patrick:
It was nitpicking season on Patrick.
Sally:
<laugh>.
Patrick:
It seemed to be very long list.
Sally:
What about you is annoying me?
Patrick:
I think we finished an entire bottle of wine by the time we got to the bottom of the list. And I thought, Well, this was a great meeting, wasn't it?
Sally:
So what is it like people often say, you know, what is a relationship meeting? And you touched on this earlier, that it's actually a formal meeting with an agenda. It's in our calendar. Um, we try to do it wherever we are. Of course, we missed the month when I was in my silent world of pain.
Patrick:
Mm-Hmm. When I had my silent retreat as well. While you're away for three weeks.
Sally:
Um, yeah. So what if, if somebody was asking you what is a relationship meeting? What would you, how would you describe it?
Patrick:
Well it's really about aligning your energy. That's what I think because a relationship is, it has so many characteristics and components to it. And to be really working together and feel a relationship to be strong, you need to be driving in the same direction. Um, well, you are ultimately a team of two. And if the team of two is pulling apart from each other instead of pushing together, then they're not quite as effective. You're not getting as much out of the relationship as you should be.
Sally:
Yeah. So describe how our meetings work. You did use to be in the military and I feel like that's sort of coming out a little bit.
Patrick:
We'll work as a team and we'll do it my way.. Well look, first of all, finding that agenda that hits what you, you find important to you is your very first hurdle. And once you get that right, everything else seems to flow.
Sally:
Yeah.
Patrick:
But as far as the meeting itself is concerned, yeah. We run it as a, as a proper meeting, partly for the comedic value and the anecdotes and the champagne.
Sally:
Tell them what you say at the start of the meeting. What's the first thing you do?
Patrick:
Alright, I'm calling this meeting to order. I call the role Sally and it's really hard to get people in my meetings to answer a few prompts and fine. I get present. Okay. We can start the meeting, but we do start by reading the previous minutes.
Sally:
This is the last meeting. Yeah.
Patrick:
We, we go through it, which is normally associated with a lot of, Ah, didn't do that. No, we didn't do that!
Patrick:
But it is quite funny. I dunno if you wanted me to give a few examples.
Sally:
Yeah. So I think first of all, let's share what our agenda is. Like, what our key things that we go through.
Patrick:
Okay. So the categories we came up with after announcing the date and the location, what things that have occurred in the last month that you're proud of. So that's a good way to kind of set the context and start the meeting with something positive. The next one is big purchases, because, uh, it sounds silly, but you know, yeah. Finances as a couple are important and what you're spending big on is kind of important as well. It's not that we ever say no, you can't do that. I guess it's just recognizing it and you know, being aware of what the big purchases have been. The next one is worries and concerns. So that might not be necessarily just relationship worries, concerns, it could be anything. Or if you're lucky and we've had a few months like this, we've had, we've marked down actually life's good. We're going well.
Sally:
Literally no worries or concerns.
Patrick:
No, no worries. And that's the point of it is we're checking in. The next one is fun. What fun activities have we done in the last month? What fun activities have we got planned coming up? And that's kind of fundamental to a relationship. If you're in a relationship and you're not having fun.
Sally:
You're doing it wrong.
Patrick:
I think so. Like, man, what's, life's too short to be serious about everything. So planning something fun is important. We've got here, one fun thing was just having a date night at our local restaurant. Shoutout to Becca Finos. And we're in New Zealand at the time, so we were planning a Milford, a walk in Milford Sound. So Mono Sound Life.
Sally:
I think that was, I think that sounded a lot more fun before we actually got there.
Patrick:
Before we realized how many sand flies there.
Sally:
We gotta the end and the soles had come off your shoes and we could hardly breathe. And I was like, oh.
Patrick:
There was one fun activity that I planned once, which was a scooter ride to Sally's mum's place, which is only about, uh, two and a half kilometers away on a one of those, you know, high scooter things. And Sally screamed the whole way.
Patrick:
It was fun for me still, but I think Sally was petrified. So we put a big line through that one, never to be repeated.
Sally:
Oh, I can't describe how much I hated every minute of that.
Patrick:
The next one must surprise people is community service. So what things are we doing that are, um, contributing to the community? And Sally's got a few here that she's done like the corporate sleep out. And it is even things like doing a cleanup and taking all the old clothes or anything that you don't need to, uh, some vinita, DePaul's or equivalent furniture that you can give to someone who can reuse it. We're always trying to look for opportunities during a month. What community service are we gonna do during the month? And it can be big or small, it doesn't matter, but at least you're making that effort. Um, the next one is health and fitness. What are your goals during the month? Health and fitness-wise, we're fairly good. We've got a pretty good routine with our health and fitness. But I guess leading into this Christmas period, you can overdo it a little bit.
Sally:
Oh my gosh. You always say every month you're like, oh, I'm starting to get into a good routine. I'm like, are you joking me? You go to the gym every single day and look amazing.
Patrick:
Well, we can always do better.
Sally:
We're actually recording this with me in my Pilates gear, so
Patrick:
You're doing very, very well. But health and fitness, I mean that's kind of like you always say, Sally, the uh, poor man has a thousand wishes. The sick man has just won. So that's why health and fitness is such an important category.
Sally:
Yeah, absolutely.
Patrick:
The next one is our physical environment. And in that we're talking about the space in which we live and spend all our time. Um, Sally and I both work from home predominantly. Uh, so it's important that that space is, you know, it's well laid out and it's got things in it that we find important. It's not cluttered and that it's clean. You know, as a result of this meeting, we organized to get cleaners 'cause we recognized that the floors weren't getting clean well enough. God, that was my duty and I wasn't very good at it.
Patrick:
Good at it. Mopping floors, not my strength. I'll declare that now <laugh> and just updating the space that we're in. And you know what, that's a continuing kind of issue. We're always identifying ways that we can make our space more homely and more comfortable and just more inviting and relaxing.
Sally:
Yeah. So thinking outside the box as well. Like, you know, we took the door off the bedroom. I know that sound might sound a bit saucy, but like we lived in this, an apartment where it was sort of, you know, like open living and the way the door opened made it difficult to get to our shoe cupboard. So we're like, look, let's just,
Patrick:
Get rid of
Sally:
Get rid of it. And it made a big difference. We also got rid of our dining table.
Patrick:
Yeah. Dining table went, we're gonna get rid of the lounge on the, on the balcony. Continually looking at ways you can open up the space and use it better.
Sally:
Yeah. 'cause I also, um, you know, believe like a plant, a plant needs the right environment to thrive.
Patrick:
Yeah. Sally's got this classic plant, it's an absolute survivor. It was at the top of the stairs and internal stairs and received no light, no love. God knows how bloody survived.
Sally:
And in, when I originally got that from Bunnings, this is before we met. They literally said, you cannot kill this plant. And I was like, okay, game on!
Patrick:
I'll give it a red hot go. Let's see. But it was a survivor. This thing, it was down to one little frond sticking up outta the dirt. And I just admired it for its resilience. I thought this thing deserves some love. So I started giving it some love and nearly bloody drowned it 'cause I went the other way. You know, in many ways it's kind of a metaphor for our relationship, isn't it? Like you gotta keep looking after things. And so we took it outside onto the balcony and it is thriving now. It's just beautiful.
Sally:
And it has lots of my manifestations planted in there, like literally things that I write on pieces of paper and fold them up and bury them in the plant.
Patrick:
Okay. So the next one is vocation career. So what things you're doing to grow professionally? For Sally this is a massive list. She's so creative in her workspace. She's continually coming out with new ideas and, and looking for smarter ways of doing things or new things, new ways of doing things.
Sally:
Oh yeah. And as I've mentioned before, I'm always working with coaches and doing courses.
Patrick:
So the next one is intimate relationship. It's more than just,
Sally:
Do I need to edit this part out?
Patrick:
Well, this would be the sealed section.
Sally:
Sealed section!
Patrick:
So maybe this is the members only. So at this point, okay, members, this is the intimate. Um, but this is more about, uh, when are we putting away time to be together? How, how are we being intimate? How are we making that effort, I guess, with anyone?
Sally:
I see a couple of things on that list that you haven't actioned.
Patrick:
Yes. Oh, I definitely can't read them out.
Patrick:
But, um, no, there has been a heap of stuff though. Like, we've discussed a lot of stuff. Like even things like in the morning I didn't, like Sally wakes up at about half past five. We don't use an alarm. And I wake up maybe kinda seven, half past seven. That's if she doesn't tap me on the shoulder, like she's knocking on a door and roll me over.
Sally:
But you love it.
Patrick:
I do love it. I've got, uh, I do love it. But what I didn't like doing is, uh, waking her up when she was asleep. I thought, Oh my God, if Sally's asleep, she really needs it. And I, you know, kinda lie there until she wakes up. But, um, she said, Well no, actually I want you to come and grab me. And, uh, I've been doing that now, like I've just wake up and roll over and grab her and go, well, if I wake her up, big deal, she'll have to deal with it. 'cause now she's got me all over. And, um, I think the point is that it kind of shows you that you need to keep talking in that space. And so this is just a great way to do it.
Patrick:
Um, the next one is personal growth. What things are you doing to improve yourself as a person? The next one is lessons learned. This is always interesting because everyone kind of in any in their lives is gonna have challenging moments.
Sally:
Learning moments. Yep.
Patrick:
Yeah. We always try and discuss, well, what has been a challenge during the, during the month. And as the experts say, every challenge is an opportunity. We try and flip around the conversation on these challenges and they'll make them a negative, but a positive.
Patrick:
Uh, and then finally we finish up the meeting with our goals. So what are our goals for the next month? Occasionally we've been pretty good. We, we would write the goals and then put 'em on the fridge. You get such a feeling of accomplishment when you tick them off. Um, it's a really good, uh, feeling.
Sally:
Yeah. Otherwise you end up going, um, to the meeting, doing the minutes of the previous meeting going, Oh, we didn't, I thought they were good goals at the time. Didn't I forgot about those.
Patrick:
Um, so would you like me to give some examples of things that we might have done or?
Sally:
Oh, it depends what you're gonna choose.
Patrick:
So let's just look at, let's look at our last month.
Sally:
Um, by the way, we've got a book here and so we should mention that you need a dedicated relationship meeting book.
Patrick:
Yeah. And in it, uh, all the minutes of all the meetings since, since our very first one back on the 28th of November, 2022.
Sally:
Yeah. And that's why we're doing this episode as well because we have done 12 months of these meetings.
Patrick:
And I, I note that the first meeting said no previous minutes, it was being taken very seriously.
Sally:
It's also all written in caps. Men love writing in caps.
Patrick:
I guess that's the other thing, like when I chair the meeting, you don't wanna dominate. Like I know I'm doing a lot of talking now, but you don't wanna dominate the conversation. The questions have to be posed in an open way to encourage both people to have equal time to respond.
Sally:
It's really active listening and giving people the opportunity to speak and speak freely without being interrupted. But I think that everyone probably knows who's more likely to dominate the conversation.
Patrick:
I'm a very good writer and a very good listener. Uh, so let's have a look at our last month for example. So, um, what were the things that Sally was proud of was surviving the, the parsa and survived? She did. She said it was funny in this meeting, she said, oh, not much happened in this month. There's not a lot I'm proud of. And then went on to list about nine things, events she held in the UK. Even she was a guest speaker, the keynote speaker in Mckay book and Travel to America.
Sally:
Oh yes. I also got my Reiki qualification in between all that.
Patrick:
That's right! So it's kind of funny when you start these things you think, oh, I been a pretty quiet month. But when you really think about it, you go, ah, yes, I actually got some goals achieved, which is great. Uh, my side is always a little bit, uh, less, I mean, who can keep up with Sally? But, um, but there were a few things that we that came out. Uh, shameless plug for spytime.com.au. If you're not growing your business and you need a good team, this is your answer.
Sally:
Oh, we should not underplay that. So Patrick has launched a business Spytime.com.au. You're hearing it here first.
Patrick:
Yes, you have. So the best way to explain this is using a tool that Sally taught me. Do you know how most organizations are working remotely? A lot of staff aren't spending a lot of time together. They're becoming disengaged. Well, spytime.com offers you a unique opportunity to get your team together and working well together using "spying techniques" that have been used by the experts, either half-day workshops or a full day immersive experience, which will include you being kitted out like a spy and following a target. And we'll use that activity to draw out a whole bunch of teamwork and leadership lessons.
Sally:
Oh, it sounds so much more fun than my workshops. No, I shouldn't say that. My workshops are very, very fun.
Patrick:
So, other examples are Christmas decorations. So if this came in the physical environment and the fun part, uh, we are terrible for Christmas decorations.
Sally:
Oh cause every Christmas we're away and pretty much my whole life because my family live all over, we've never been sort of home for Christmas. And then last year we found ourselves caught out.
Patrick:
Yeah.
Sally:
Because we woke up at home and we're like, Oh my gosh.
Patrick:
What the bloody hell do we do? We're at home.
Sally:
Yeah. The least best people ever. So,
Patrick:
Wwell that's not fair. We're not, we're not grinches. We just didn't organize anything.
Sally:
But now we could. Thanks for the relationship meeting.
Patrick:
Yeah.
Sally:
We've, you know.
Patrick:
Decorations are ordered.
Sally:
Order, order the bubbles.
Patrick:
We'll make it a ceremony. We'll be, uh, putting up the Christmas tune to the sound of Tay Tay, and a singing Christmas carols.
Sally:
Oh, now this, see this is one of the subjects that is off-limits even in the relationship meeting
Patrick:
Yeah. So I have learned in the relationship meeting there.
Sally:
What's the only thing you're allowed to say about Taylor Swift?
Patrick:
She's amazing. She's an inspiration.
Sally:
She is the--
Patrick:
She's the queen.
Sally:
Greatest person of all time.
Patrick:
Greatest person of time. Okay. I've also learned it's Tay Tay, not Tata.
Sally:
Oh my god!
Patrick:
I've also learned that business travel is a way of life, not just a travel experience. And that body fat is not for rolling through your fingers. Be left home.
Sally:
I just, I feel like a piece of dough. I feel like you're making a pizza or something, you like, I like playing with it.
Patrick:
Um, so what else? Other things that we kind of identified for this month? Intimate relationship is a sensorium.
Sally:
Mm-Hmm. <laugh>.
Patrick:
Google That <laugh>,
Sally:
We did that actually at the, uh, Water Princess retreat in France with other women. It was so beautiful. And basically it's just about like, how can you awaken every single sense?
Patrick:
And then, my uh, lesson learned. I rode up to Mackay with some friends, uh, on the motorbike a thousand kilometers up a thousand kilometers back. And about oh, 1200 kilometers it was in the rain. So my lesson learned was my days of riding a motorcycle in the rain over. So just to recap, the topics that we cover in our, uh, meetings are: What are proud of? Big purchases, worries, concerns, fun, community service, health and fitness. Physical environment, vocation, career, intimate relationship, personal growth, lessons learned and goals for the next month.
Sally:
Wow. That's 12 points.
Patrick:
Yeah. It's a long one. So, but I actually find a lot of fun when we sit down and we, um, do it over as we're making dinner. Or even better if we're having a glass of wine or something. It is actually, we spend most of our time having a laugh and it brings us closer together. I think on the whole, it's kept us more focused and kept our relationship a lot more. I don't know what the word would be.
Sally:
I can't think of the word either. The one that's coming to mind is like fresh. It keeps the relationship fresh. And I, you know, especially if you're a woman listening to this, if you've ever left a guy and he's like, Oh my gosh, it was outta the blue. Where did it come from? You're like, Oh my gosh, I've been dropping every hint under the sun.
Patrick:
Mm-Hmm.
Sally:
You just weren't picking it up.
Patrick:
Yeah.
Sally:
And this is a great opportunity to nip anything in the bud that's like worrying you about your own life or your career or your business or what's going on between each other. It's much easier to address things when they're small.
Patrick:
Absolutely. And it becomes brutally obvious when some topics come up,
Sally:
Keep recurring.
Patrick:
Month after month after month. And either you decide it's not an issue or you just gotta do something about it. So that's why reading the previous minutes is so important. It reminds you of what you spoke about last month. So you don't do these minutes and then forget about it. You've got some responsibility to kind of note what you said you were gonna do last month. And if you've done nothing well then you've gotta take responsibility for that too.
Sally:
Yeah,you can almost do a yearly review as well. Like we could almost have like a, like it would take too long to go back through every single meeting, but you could a bit of a scan
Patrick:
Highlights. Absolutely. We might do that on New Year's Eve. Do a little kind of year in review scan. Might have to get two bottles of champagne. We're not even drinkers.
Sally:
I know it's, we've referenced drinking a fair bit, but we're kind of on the non-alcoholic these days!
Patrick:
That's right.
Sally:
What would you say to someone listening to this, who wants to start this? How do they broach that with their partner?
Patrick:
Oh, good question. Um, I can't remember how you broached it with us.
Sally:
We're doing this.
Patrick:
Oh no, it was, no not really. You, you, I think you mentioned that it, you'd seen it on a Insta Post or something
Sally:
A Twitter.
Patrick:
Yeah. Twitter feed. And it just seemed to make sense. And I think, golly, if you can't put aside like an hour a month to really kind of go through the things you that are important in your, in your life, in your relationship, um, are you really investing any time into it all just doesn't happen by itself. You, if you're communicating, you're really gotta sit down at times and communicate. And do you know what, there have been some tough conversations too there, there's things that we've kind of agreed to disagree on. Um, and, but by far the majority of it we are pushing in driving in the same direction. So, um, and it's the perfect platform for, how do you introduce it, educating people through platforms like this or whatever.
Sally:
Yeah. And being clear that it's not necessarily because you've got any problem.
Patrick:
No.
New Speaker:
Like it's, you know, 'cause that's the way it could, might be received, might be going, Oh geez, there's something wrong with our relationship. Do we need to have these, uh, meetings? It's kinda like we need to talk.
Patrick:
Absolutely. And I, I gotta say I probably felt a little bit of that when we, when you first proposed it, I thought, Oh God, what have I done that we, we need to have a relationship meeting. And maybe the term "relationship meeting" is a misnomer. Maybe there's a better term that really encapsulates what the meeting is all about. It's almost like a life meeting, in a way.
Sally:
Monthly check-in.
Patrick:
Monthly check-in. But I guess the point by having it titled the relationship meeting, you are drawing a line in the sand saying we are gonna do this and we are gonna work together to make sure that we get better and stronger and more focused in what we're doing. We're not just wandering through life, aimlessly hitting golf balls in the dark as they say.
Sally:
I like that you said that. 'cause I thought the same thing, like relationship meeting sounds a bit formal, but that's kind of the point to have a bit of formality around it. Yeah. So really if if bringing it up with your partner, if they're not even entertaining the idea of it could be some bigger issues at play. If that other person doesn't even wanna spend that time
Patrick:
Maybe, I don't know guys, not all the same, but maybe that just takes the time for them to process. What does this mean? Because I, I think I was a little bit on the defensive when it was first raised. I, like I said, I literally thought, Oh God, what have I done with 12 months behind us now I can see the, the strength of it, the intent of it was n nothing like that. And just took a little time to wrap my head around it. So maybe slowly raising the idea, not pushing it too hard, but kind of raising it and then providing a little bit of information rather than just dropping it like a bomb on someone.
Sally:
Oh. So is there any other advice that you'd give people?
Patrick:
The routine of it is important so that's really key to it.
Sally:
We chose Mondays 'cause that's generally a day when we're pretty quiet, pretty quiet.
Patrick:
Yep. Um, pretty fresh at the start of the week had a, our weekends are normally quite good so we feel fresh on a Monday night. Like it's kind of fun. We've had held them all over the world. Like everywhere we go we, the first Monday of the month we stop wherever we are, we find a place to sit down and we go through it. I mean I've got minutes there, taken in Portugal and minutes in New Zealand and all sorts of places. So that's kind of the fun of it too. So that little book bit comes around traveling with us, but it's kind of a indicator of your determination as a couple if you're driven to make sure you don't forget that you don't wonder through a month. Go, Oh, we're supposed to do it a week ago. That also shows your commitment to each other and the relationship.
Sally:
And you know what, I reckon it's better if the man leads it.
Patrick:
Yeah.
Sally:
Like it's much better that you look after the book and you say, right Sal, we're doing this. You know? 'cause I think in terms of the dynamics, uh, it's better.
Patrick:
Yeah.
New Speaker:
So if you have any other questions about relationship meetings, you know, my dms are always open and I might pass some of those questions to Patrick as they come in. But I'd like to take this opportunity to thank Patrick. Thank you so much for all the support that you give me in my business. He's not officially on the payroll that's just because he's unpaid.
Patrick:
Unofficial driver.
Sally:
Yeah.
Patrick:
Bag carrier, escort, security.
Sally:
Yeah. And I really absolutely could not do what I do and be who I am without your support in every way.
Patrick:
Oh, that's my pleasure darling.
Sally:
So it means so much. Thanks. And I really appreciate that and I appreciate all of you as well supporting this podcast for so many years. If you're celebrating Christmas, I hope you are having a wonderful, wonderful time with family and relaxing and having lots of laughs. So we'll finish up just from our family to yours. Wishing you a very, very merry Christmas and I will be back in the new year!
Patrick:
Merry Christmas everyone. Have a great year.