190. The five stages of dealing with social media criticism
If you want to be successful on social media, you have to get good at navigating negativity.
In this episode I introduce the five stages of dealing with social media criticism. I explain how I progressed through them - and you can too!
1. FEAR
2. HURT
3. DEFENSIVENESS
4. APATHY
5. EMPATHY
Transcript
Hello welcome back to That Voice Podcast.
I’m back from our trip to California – where we got snow in Yosemite National Park, drank wine on rooftops in Napa and I did a pretty mindblowing vocal analysis process in Santa Monica. And you’ll hear more about that in a few episodes.
So we landed from the US on the Monday morning, ran our amazing Soul Speakers call on How to Introduce yourself on the Tuesday and then flew to Melbourne on the Wednesday – where Patrick out for a really nice night for Valentine’s Day – watch the vlog it’s on insta and TikTok… then Friday was our Speak Up for Your Business Workshop where everyone walked out with a big aha moment. And then on Saturday… I joined my sister and nieces Hannah and Isabella – she goes by Issy for the incredible performance of Taylor Swift on her Eras Tour with 90,000 friends at the MCG. The Melbourne shows were her biggest performances of all time. Wild!
It was such an experience, Mia Freedman – who’s an Australian commentator summed it up perfectly she said " it was like visiting an alternate universe where everyone is happy and kind and bursting out of their skin with joy."
And as many of you know I chronicled a bit of the experience on social media – mainly Instagram stories, I did a couple of reels and I did a couple of vids just on TikTok about my experience.
And did it get people talking… it was about how my preference would’ve been to be surrounded by extraverted singing swifities, but I was next to a quiet swifty dad. Nice guy, we chatted before the show. And this video gave me the idea to do this podcast episode, because it went kinda viral – 50 thousand plus views, more than 350 comments people agreeing, disagreeing, venting, criticizing, deducting meaning that wasn’t in the words or intended, and I did choose one of the more harsh comments you could say to do another video to answer some questions and lean into my opinion that some people deserved to be there more than others – controversial take I know. The comment was I’m sick of extroverts shaming others swifites for not being like them. Respect that all types enjoy her stuff and chill out. And then a lot of the comments on that video are dragging me. I’m saying this in joy and love because today I want to share with you the journey I’ve been on with dealing with social media commenters who disagree, criticize or downright troll.
And I did have a few beautiful DMs from other business owners who said wow thank you for getting out there and being yourself and handling criticism with such grace – and that means a lot because as I’ll share it was not always the way.
If you want to grow your business or your profile and feel good in yourself you need to work through these stages of dealing with social media criticism. I am speaking from experience here, so please DM me and let mw know whether I’m on the money with this content. I’ve worked with a lot of clients and had a lot of lived experience, so I’m pretty sure I am.
So I’m going to take you through the FIVE STAGES OF DEALING WITH SOCIAL MEDIA CRITICISM.
The first one is FEAR.
That’s when you’re not putting content out there online for fear of how people might react. Remember FEAR is false evidence appearing real so nothing has actually happened, it’s just what MIGHT happen that’s holding you back from posting. Or even if you are posting content, you’re not posting face and voice to camera and you’re certainly not posting the kind of content guaranteed to get views and engagement which is opinion-based content. Putting a stake in the ground on something, knowing full well your opinion is not going to be on everyone agrees with. So this FEAR stage is really holding back not only the growth of your audience and your impact it’s holding back your voice – it’s holding the true expression of who you are. And that physically feels like a block, a heaviness, a chokehold.
And this is why when I work with clients to start posting their voice on socials it’s a liberating feeling, like a sigh of relief, like “I don’t know what I was worried about” like “it feels so good to put it out there” and from the moment they hit post there is an internal uplevelling – the sweet sound of growth. And you may want to check out episode 154 of That Voice Podcast called Hate posting on social media? Let’s talk about it.
So to move from stage one FEAR, you need to do the thing you’re afraid of …. And post videos online. And if you need help with this, join Soul Speakers or come to a Speak Up for Your Business Workshop. Whenever we want to move from one place to another grabbing someone’s hand who’s already on the other side is the fastest way to get there. It just takes a bit of self belief to make the investment and say YES I refuse to let FEAR hold me back another day.
So after FEAR (by the way fear is always there you feel the fear and do it anyway) it’s just for the purposes of the names of these stages. So after FEAR we have HURT.
You’ve posted something, you’ve put yourself out there and someone writes something mean in the comments, or they disagree, or they get offended.
I remember my very first viral TikTok where my eyelashes looked pretty average. I had fake eyelashes and they weren’t really brushed and there was so many comments along the lines of ew your eyelashes are disgusting. I can’t hear your words over your awful eyelashes. And a whole heap of other negative comments and I felt that pang in my heart. Like ouch. Like I took each comment personally, it was a personal attack on me.
And if you’re in this stage this is what you’re feeling. It hurts. It’s real victim mentality. Why are they coming for me? That’s not what I meant? The People-Pleaser pops up and says why don’t they like me? How can I make them like me? I’ve been there. Feeling personally attacked and hurt by a stranger on the internet and wondering what I can do to make them like me. It sounds so ridiculous when you say it out loud. If you wallow in the HURT stage, you’ll end up either deleting videos and reverting to FEAR or you’ll waste your beautiful energy on sadness, hurt and people-pleasing. And that takes you out of your power, out of the energy zone where you can share your magic.
I help lots of clients work through this stage, straighten their damn crown, focus on what’s important and share their light.
Now when you’re all warrior-womaned up. Feeling like a queen or king. Taylor swift reputation era you can tip nto the next stage which is DEFENSIVENESS. It’s less poor me and more fuck you.
This is when the comments don’t make you cry, they get you riled up. How dare they write that. You roll up your sleeves and you take that keyboard warrior on. And my gosh I have been here. When I had a pronunciation video go viral for all the wrong reasons and people telling me I had no idea and challenging my credentials and telling people I had it wrong. I replied to all the comments to help make them see they got it wrong. Sometimes I cut them with sarcasm or beat them at their own game… and at the end of doing this .. do you think the commenters came crawling back with an apology and I felt amazing? Of course not, they doubled down and I felt more like shit. So if you’re in this defensive stage fighting back in the negative comments. Note, replying and engaging is not necessarily defensive. You can feel in your spine and your body if you are acting from a place of defensiveness. And believe me you do not want to stay here. You’ll end up bitter resentful, at risk of cascading back to hurt and fear and the energy of defensiveness is not going to attract clients.
How did I get past this stage… well I was crying on the couch of my mentor’s place – it was hurt and defensiveness rolled up into one hot blonde mess. They don’t understand. Sal. She said. Get out of your funk and into your disco ball. Keep on shining, keep on dancing. You decide who comes to your party and who is a reflection right back on themselves.
That was a pivotal moment for me. That session with that coach flung me out of DEFENSIVENESS and into the next stage which I call APATHY.
Now this is not lacking interest in posting, it’s lacking interest in the negative comments. I went from hanging on every comment, to literally not caring. Not fazed. You want to write that good for you, thanks for engaging, boosting my content, you’re likely not my ideal client and I can’t express to you how little care I have for you probably in your shitty bedroom, in your shitty life and it would be criminal of me to waste a skerrick of my precious energy on you.
Does that give you the picture of stage four – apathy? It might sound kinds mean, but it’s so great for channeling your energy into your clients, your work, your life, things that make you feel good, and that hold that negative comments have when you’re in FEAR, HURT or DEFENSIVENESS is gone.
Now I believe to get to apathy you need to experience a video going viral, you need to experience negative comments directed your way. So if you’re sitting in FEAR going, I want to have this feeling of being apathetic towards negative comments as soon as I post a video… I don’t know if it works like that. You can’t skip levels because then you don’t embody the growth. You need to code the lessons in each stage. And by the way this process is amazing personal development. The ripple effects in your life and relationships and creativity and of course business are felt with each uplevel. This is why so many of clients say wow voice coaching is like life coaching. Or I’ve seen more improvement with you in my business than my business coach. Because the process of releasing your voice, speaking your truth, truly being seen and heard and not ducking for cover at a comment .. this process is life changing.
So apathy feels pretty good. You’re an unfazed queen. Talk to the hand. But there is another stage that I’ve reached, there could be more stages that I’m not up to yet. Stage five is moving from apathy – not caring.. to EMPATHY – caring and understanding deeply.
And this latest TikTok about my Eras Tour experience is an example of this, I can feel it. I don’t reply to all the comments, there’s hundreds and I have nothing to prove and plenty of other things I’d prefer to be investing my energy in. When I read the comments I feel love and compassion for the writer. And maybe this is all my spiritual work coming to fruition. My cold exposure, silent retreats, meditations etc. Maybe it’s my experience with social media. I suspect it’s a mix of both. But I read a comment say critising me for judging people who can’t stand for the whole concert. Mind you in my video there was no mention of sitting or standing, but that person could be someone who is continually feeling pressured to be or do something at odds with what their body and soul desires. The comments like parents do NOT need to know lyrics to be welcomed at a concert. She’s probably a mum with a thousand things on her plate, maybe she’s constantly feeling not good enough or lacking in some way and there’s this lady online having a go at parents for not being INTO Taylor Swift enough – (again not my intention, but you put yourself in the commenters shoes). There’s one woman who has commented on the videos more than three times and I wonder where is she not being heard. What must be going on in her life for her to expend that much energy on commenting on my TikToks. Something about me might have triggered a traumatic experience for her. So you see when you get to the EMPATHY stage, all you feel is love and gratitude for your own life.
That’s the other part of this stage is being radically obsessed with the wonder of your life. I live a life I love doing the things I love with the people I love and that means I have love to share.
And that includes self love and reflection. I thought about maybe the video was a bit ungrateful.. but then like I always say many things that may see, conflicting can be true and were true.
Can I love that a dad took his daughter to Taylor Swift and also have a dream to be in an extraverts Taylor bubble yes. Can someone appear disinterested in the music, but actually be very into it and bravely battling their social anxiety – yes. The world isn’t black and white. And isn’t that a glorious thing. And one of the gems of social media. You can create content that opens conversations, embrace different points of view.
Now I’m a very low key creator. And I’m sure Taylor Swift would have much more to say about dealing with negativity and criticism. And that reminds me a P word is a great strategy to sit alongside wherever you are on this journey. FEAR HURT DEFENSIVENESS APATHY OR EMPATHY… DM me to let me know which stage resonated with you wherever you are keep PERSPECTIVE. We’re all in this human suit doing the best we can with the resources we have, keep perspective on what’s important and also what your goal is. WHY do you want your voice to be heard? What is the MESSAGE you want to share? What is the emotion you want to amplify in your life? And this brings us full circle to Taylor, it was like getting an intravenous shot of pure unadulterated JOY.
And that’s the emotion I keep bringing back to social media whenever I feel frustrated by it or exhausted I remember that my goal is to help people share their voice with confidence and one of my company values is to LEAD BY EXAMPLE. I never ask my clients to do something I wouldn’t do. So I’ll keep showing up, sharing my opinions, sharing my voice, sharing my tips and when you’re ready to resource up and grab that hand on the next level and experience the growth your soul craves – the growth you crave for your business bank account… then commit to a resource. Soul Speakers is ideal, or start with the Magnetic Voice Formula – it’s a mini-course. The link is in the show notes. Because wherever you are on the stages of dealing with social media criticism, it takes action to move forward.
I wanted to close out this episode with a bit of Tay Tay from the concert, but I don’t want to run the risk of it getting blocked for copyright. So please go to my Instagram to see me deliriously jamming out to the bridge of Cruel Summer.
I’ll see you next week.