232. Why I chose not to have kids

Are you on the fence about having kids?

At 30-years old I was given a stark fork in the road moment where I had to declare my intentions to have children or not.

In this episode I’m sharing this personal experience.

It’s through sharing stories we feel less alone, more connected and more empowered to use our voice.

Hello welcome to That Voice Podcast… something a little different today.. as you might have guessed from the title.

Why I chose not to have kids.

And I feel privileged to live in time and place where I was able to make this choice, because many women do not get that privilege.

I’ve also never faced any pressure from family, mum listens to this podcast, hi mum, I love you thank you for always supporting me to live my life by terms.

And it’s worth mentioning that I had a really great childhood. Some people assume you must’ve had a bad childhood that’s why you don’t want kids. No not true.

Others assume you want to be a career woman and focus on your business. Yes as you know I run a business, but I have no doubt I could do that with children.

And I know lots of mum’s in business absolutely smashing it with kids, and my own sister who is a high level executive has 3 kids – the one’s I went to New Zealand with – I mentioned that a couple of episodes ago.

So not wanting kids was not a result of anything work related, it was all to do with me and how I wanted to live my life.

So why am I doing this episode?

I was fortunate enough to be sent quite a serious scenario where I had to declare with my voice my intentions to have children or not.

A lot of women won’t be sent that stark fork in the road moment, which I’ll tell you about shortly.

And if you’re on the fence about having kids, this might resonate and help you make your decision.

I’m aware this is a triggering topic, especially if you don’t have a child and it wasn’t  by choice, are trying for a child and it’s not happening and of course if you’ve lost a child. I cannot imagine your grief.

In this episode I’m sharing my personal experience, my personal feelings. I’m a big advocate for women sharing stories. You’ll know that if you’re a long-time listener, it’s through sharing stories we feel less alone in our experience, more connected and more empowered to use our voice.

As mentioned, I’m so lucky, my friends and family have never pressured me in the slightest to have children. My boyfriend Patrick has a grown up son, so he’s more than happy to live our childfree adventures.

But I know the kind of sentiment that gets thrown the way of women who are childfree by choice, and I’ve had nasty comments by strangers on the internet. This episode will get trolled by the incels who have a deep desire to silence women like me who don’t want kids and speak up on this topic.

The negative, ridiculous phrases we get include –

“You’ll never know real love.”

“Who will look after you when you get old.”

“It’s unnatural for a woman to not want children.”

“How can you be so selfish?”

The selfishness one always makes me laugh, because it feeds into this expectation that women need to live lives of servitude and obligation to others. Selfishness is not a dirty word.

Anyway we’re not here to debunk all the rubbish slander thrown the way of women who decide not to have kids.

I’m here to tell you about me.

Now I didn’t always not want to have kids.

I remember being in my early 20s, infatuated with my boyfriend at the time and wanting to have 4 babies. Because that’s what you did.

But for the grace of god go I.

And that phrase applied to a few boyfriends after that.

Thank god I could continue my life without a kid connection to one of those.

And after a particularly painful break-up in my late 20s something dawned on me.

It was big realisation.

The thought of having children was like a looming storm cloud in my future.

It was black, it was heavy, and I’d just need to endure the storm for maybe 20 years and on the other side maybe I’d recoup some semblance of a life I want.

It was like the opposite of feeling clucky.

When I saw a pram, I felt an intense sense of sadness for the person pushing.

When I heard a kid cry in public I’d be overcome with dread.

So at that point, I was really leaning towards the no-kid camp.

But I was in a pretty depressive state from the whole break-up so the storm cloud could’ve been to do with that. And deep down was it was I really wanted. Maybe you’re grappling with this.

I mean there is a chasm for many women between wanting a  child and finding a suitable father. Which is why I totally get women going it alone.

What happened next, cleared any doubt.

I’m a diligent 30 year old and I took myself to the GP to get a routine pap smear.

A few days later, I get the call.

“Your doctor wants to see you as soon as possible.”

“Ugh. Can we do it over the phone?” I’m busy.

“No can you come in today?”

So there I am back at the GP and she says your results are back. Doesn’t look good.

It’s a possible high grade glandular lesion.

Sounds nasty right.

So next thing. I’m referred to a gynaecologist for further explanation and this is where I start to get a little nervous – as you can imagine.

This is a story you do not need all the details for. If you’re a woman and been for a pap smear – which you should. And been to a gyno, you know it’s not the most pleasant, dignified experience.

She pops her head up and I can tell from her expression something’s not right.

She says something to the effect of not wanting to take chances on a 30 year old cervix. Now there’s a phrase I didn’t think I’d ever hear.

Anyway, I walk out kind of stunned.

Not just because the whole thing cost me a few hundred dollars with private health insurance it’s because I also had a referral in my hand to a Gynaecologic Oncologist.

Now I’m not good with medical terms, but we all know what oncology means.

And so in the next waiting room, near a frail looking woman being held by a man who’s almost in tears.

“Sally Prosser”

Doctors always seem to cheerful calling people to potential terrible news.

And she  looked me in the eye, furrowed her eyebrows and asked:

“Do you want to have children?”

If you have a gynaecologic oncologist ask you that question, knowing that potentially to be cancer free you need a hysterectomy, your gut answer on this topic will be right on.

And in that moment, there was no pang of loss.

There was no I don’t know.

It was like those storm clouds lifted and all I could see was a clear, bright future.

“No” I said joyfully.

“I don’t want kids.”

And I walked out of that appointment with a bigger spring in my step than probably anybody else who’d ever been in that clinic.

Was I worried about my health.

Yeh I was a little afraid. I ended up needing day surgery, I’d never been in hospital so it was all a bit unknown. Fortunately, the cervix saga ended there, and I didn’t need a full operation.

But I was gifted a clear objective opportunity to declare that I didn’t want to have kids.

And since that day I have never questioned my decision once.

I adore my childfree life.

I’m so grateful I didn’t have an unwanted pregnancy in my 20s.

And the older I get the less people have any interest in my decision whatsoever.

And that goes back to gratitude that I live in a time and place where I can be unmarried, with no children and run a successful business, and be financially independent and be very happy.

My little niece said to me when she was about 5 – “where are your babies?” And I said “Oh I don’t have any babies” and the follow up question was “where are they?”

And I thought, isn’t it great for young girls to see that they can have a bright, clear future without children if that’s what they choose. This is why we need to share our stories. We can’t be it if we can’t see it.

I hope this episode has helped if you are on the kid fence.

If not, I hope this was a good reminder to book in your pap smear.

And to use your voice to speak your truth. It wasn’t until I verbalised my decision in that doctors office that it really integrated with my being.

So talk about this big decisions, talk about your feelings, and use your voice as that powerful healing channel it is.

And if you need a hand with that? You know where to find me.