99. How's your sex voice? with Cyndi Darnell

Ever thought about the role of voice in your sex life? According to sex therapist Cyndi Darnell it says a lot about how you're feeling - the voice can lead the way for how the body feels. Tune in for a great technique to improve your vocal tone - and in turn your experience in the bedroom.

Transcript

Oh my goodness we are up to episode 99 of That Voice Podcast, and there’s something exciting in store for number 100 next week, but I thought we’d hit the 99 with one of my most fascinating episodes, which was also a little bit saucy, that’s right it’s episode 33 with internationally renowned sex therapist Cyndi Darnell.

And what I really loved about this episode is it really got to the core of how voice is an expression of true self. And this is what all my programs are about especially Speak from your Soul. Because the way your speaking up in one area of your life, is likely to be how you’re speaking up and showing up in all areas of your life. Someone once told me that sex life is a great barometer for an entire relationship, and I reckon we could apply that to confidence and vocal expression as well. If you can’t speak up in the bedroom or at least express what you want, where can you speak up and feel confident.

Cyndi also talks in this snippet about the vagus nerve and this is something really worth understanding as it helps regulate emotions – it’s the key one to activate to settle speaking nerves for example. As mentioned it’s something I focus on in all my programs, My Six Week VOiec Makeover and Speak from your Soul – the waitlist for both those courses are open, if you want something now, access the Members Only Masterclass Vault (that also get s you by faaar the best discount on my 6 week courses.. you didn’t hear it here).

Ok you ready to talk about sex, My lead-in question is do couples complain about their partner’s noise-making in the bedroom –

 Cyndi: Generally if there's going to be a complaint, the complaint is usually that one person wants the other one to make more sound. I've never encountered a couple where the sound has been too much. I'm sure it exists, but I just haven't met them. They've not come to me for help with that. But certainly the complaints that I see overwhelmingly about sound is that there's not enough sound. The one partner wants the other one to make more sound. Because otherwise if they're just lying there, you know, like a pair of chopsticks and there's just no expression, no sound, nothing. It's not much fun, you know?

Sally: So I guess it's about that feedback.

Cyndi: Yeah. And there is something to in, you know, sort of when we're looking at sex through a slightly more esoteric lens. So when we're looking at it through, you know, tantra and that kind of full bodied erotic practices one stream of those meditative practices is about sound meditations. And we know from the research that they've done into mindfulness and making sounds like the OMMM that humming sound tends to enhance groups of people. It activates the vagus nerve, which is the nerve that helps us regulate our emotions. So even though I don't know of any research explicitly regarding the sound relationship to sex, we can sort of take a little bit of a bow and stretch it and go, well, if the research has been done on making sounds in meditation, it's not too much of a leap to go. I imagined that this would also apply in a sexual context too, to allow some sort of regulation or allow connection and also allow arousal within the body of the person who's making the sounds that that sound will lead the way for the body to follow through.

Sally: Yeah. I guess that explains why the voice changes during arousal because I'm sure for most people you're making sounds, I guess in the same way of meditation that you do not normally make in your day to day conversation.

Cyndi: I mean, no one's walking around going OMM all the time, you know, but when you do do it, even if you're a beginner, you feel the impact of it immediately and up until fairly recently it didn't make sense and people dismissed it as just, you know, 'woo woo' whatever. And now the research is really coming in thick and fast that practices like that actually do have an effect on our brain waves. And because as we're starting to understand more and more about the effect, particularly the brain in relationship to the vagus nerve, which also is one of the nerves that innovate certain parts of the genitals, not all of the genitals, but particular parts of it. And it certainly regulates our capacity to relax, which is crucial to good sex. If you're not relaxed, you're not going to have good sex. And sound is very much a part of that. So, you know with my sex therapy work, I take a very holistic view of this obviously. So it's not simply about going, well, you know, this applies in sex and nowhere else, whatever is true in life is also true in sex. Most of the time. There are a handful of exceptions, but most of the time it's true across the board. And so learning how to use your voice during sex, whether it's to give instructions or to give feedback or to simply turn yourself on, you know, to get your body turned on so you're not laying there like a chopstick.

Laying there like a chopstick, what a great visual.

And what an interesting angle to think about our voice. It was so difficult to choose a snippet from this episode there’s so much gold, so head back to episode 33 to take in the full Cyndi Darnell experience.

Now hopefully you’re all warmed up for the big episode 100! Where I will have a special guest host, interviewing ME, oh how the turns will be tabled