Ep178. How 10 days silence almost broke me

I recently embarked on a ten-day silent Vipassana Meditation course in the UK - the irony of a voice coach going quiet!

The course was a lot harder than I expected and in this episode I lift the veil on my experience, including -

🧘 Why I did it and how hard I found it,

🧘  The gruelling daily timetable and code of discipline

🧘  The surprising discovery I made.

🧘  Three big life lessons I took away.

🧘  If I'd recommend it for you.

Transcript

Welcome to a brand new season of That Voice Podcast, and this is one I know you’ve been waiting for.

During the podcast break I travelled to the UK to a little town called Hereford, which is about 3 hours west of London, to attend a Vipassana Meditation Course.

In this episode I’m going to share what it was, why I found it so difficult, and the big life lessons I took away.

SO let’s set the scene. I told a lot of people I was going on a silent retreat. Now the word retreat should not be used anywhere near the vicinity of this experience. Let’s be real it was meditation bootcamp.

It was a 10 day course to learn a meditation technique called Vipassana.

Which on a very high level is tuning into the physical sensations in your body and not reacting. Showing neither aversion or craving. And the idea is to change the habit pattern of the mind on a subconscious level, so you face life’s problems in a calm, balanced way. Quite beautiful.

Now I went to a pretty strict all girls catholic school, and the code of discipline had nothing on this.

So let me take you through some of the rules.

Let me take you through the daily schedule (daily schedule).

Now I knew all this going in.

I guess I wasn’t prepared for how sudden it all started. One minute we’re eating soup, the next minute someone’s reading off a folder a bunch of rules, the dividing petition thing is pulled between the men and the women, we march up to the meditation hall… and it began, not on day one on day zero. So the mental shock of beginning a ten day course before day one, was where it began.

It was a direct assault on everything that gives me life.

I thrive on connection and expression – and there was no communication of any kind, no speaking, no eye contact, no passing notes.

I love moving my body – and there was no exercise, not even yog.

I aim to stand out I’m all about that main character energy – and this was all about blending in.

I am a spotify junkie, I can’t even work without background music – and the only sounds were the clinking of cutlery on plates and the sound of a leaf blower on a neighbouring property. Like bees to honey I clung to these auditory delights.

So what a great personal challenge, you’ll notice all those sentences started with I, so what a great exercise to strip away some of the ego and do work on my mind.

And it’s FREE, you’re only allowed to donate once you’ve completed the experience and have the volition to pay it forward and pass the experience onto someone else. It took me over a week to put my donation in, mainly because until then my feeling was to pay people to never put themselves through this, and it’s taken days of integration for me to feel into the realisation that just because something is difficult and unpleasant, doesn’t mean it’s not valuable.

I’m the one always saying there’s no growth in the comfort zone and no comfort in the growth zone, and holy shit I took my own medicine.

I struggled from day zero to day 11, because it wasn’t a ten day course, it started the night before quite suddenly really and on day 11 there was still another 2 hours of meditation, which I almost hyperventilated through because I honestly thought it would never end. At that point I thought if I never meditated again in my life it would be too soon.

I never settled into, I never enjoyed it, I wanted to leave every single day. It was unrelenting.

This is where the universe helped me out. If I was doing it in Australia, I would have called Patrick on day two, he would have come straight to pick me up and that would be it.

I was in a situation where the logistics of leaving became more challenging than the pain of staying. We were in the countryside. I mean I could have called a taxi and got to the train station and then travelled to London to stay with my sister. And she’s a next level neat freak, she’s a virgo, so then I’m thinking what’s worse being here or staying with my sister, so I started running the sums on accommodation costs, I thought about calling another friend who lived about three hours away, it got a lot darker. I thought about things I will not share publicly, things that would have got the place evacuated. And as much as I wanted to leave, I muscled up and refused to. Because at the end of the day the hardest thing would have been to look in the mirror at a woman who gave up because she couldn’t hack ten days of doing nothing. Ironically my ego kept me in a course that was designed to help you release ego.

It was all about coming out of your misery, when for me, the misery only started when I got there. My life is so unbelievably fabulous. I have an amazing partner, My family is well, I have a highly successful business doing what I love, I’m healthy, I was one of the lucky ones who nabbed taylor swift tickets. Why did I dive from this platform of perfection into this pool of misery.

I was bored, I was lonely, and

I walked out of one the meditations because my back was killing me and I just did a little childs pose on the carpet outside the meditation hall and one of the managers was like ‘sorry you can’t stretch here’ and I said ‘where are we supposed to stretch’ and she’s like in your room or a quiet place.’ In my mind I’m like this is a freaking quiet place. Anyway that interaction broke me, you know when you’re at that point where the smallest comment can be the mouse that sinks your boat. I certainly wasn’t doing anything there that floated my boat. Anyway, I went to my favourite toilet cubicle and cried for the next hour or something. Every cell in my body was rejecting the rules and I felt like I was underwater and I couldn’t breathe.

SO on that day, that was day 6.  I decided to go and speak the teacher at lunch, you could do that between 12 and 1, and I sat down and said I was really struggling. And she pretty much said, you’re here to work on your mind and I have a lot of people to see. Which was true. SO I stumbled off into the little woods area and thank god I am a master coach and was able to draw on all my own knowledge to self soothe and get my head in a place where I didn’t have a complete breakdown, and jump the fence.

One of the days it poured rain. Day 8 I think. And I stood in the little clearing near where we could walk and stood like a statue, rain cascading off my little purple umbrella, tears cascading down my face. I didn’t move, I didn’t blink, I must’ve been there for about half an hour like someone hit pause in the matrix and my character had been taken out of play. If a random had of come across me they may have mistaken me for an art installation. Woman in Rain.

The sadness and sense of hopelessness I felt was completely disproportionate to the reality of the situation.

I mean sure, we couldn’t speak or make eye contact, or read or write or exercise.

At the same time we weren’t being physically harmed. There was a warm shower and a nice bed. So why was I feeling so incredibly sad?

At one point I felt like one of those whales stuck in a tank swimming round and round with no way out.

Why was I so sad? Why did it feel so traumatic for me?

Maybe in a past life I was silenced and the experience caused dormant trauma to resurface.

Maybe it’s because it was the new moon in Scorpio, and for those into astrology you’ll know it was freaking intensely emotional new moon.

Maybe I was just being a little sooky cry baby.

Maybe I was desperately lonely.

Maybe that sadness and grief was exactly the emotion I needed to clear.

Maybe this style of work just didn’t suit me.

Maybe I’m not spiritually advanced enough to have gone to the depths of my subconscious and successfully untethered myself from craving and aversions.

And maybe it’s time to stop overanalysing everything we do and feel. And there is no need to figure out why I felt that way, rather just accept that I did.

In saying that I’ve had time to reflect and integrate, and the three big lessons which were reminders, were as follows.

The first  big lesson was about the power of DISCIPLINE

Do you finish things you start? And is it worth it?

That was the question I was asking myself as I was grinding through these ten days of silence. By day two I was counting down those days.

And I was really struggling. You know we live in this age of information overload which is creating a discipline deficit.

I know I’m not alone in starting an online course and not completing it, beginning one task and getting distracted by social media, opening a page of a book and not reading the rest.

And so at this meditation course I was drawing upon all the times in my life when I had that discipline to finish what I started.

I thought about as a swimmer growing up, the 100m butterfly race. By the last 20 metres I was like ugh ugh, I could hardly get my head out of the water, yet I kept going and every time I touched that wall – worth it.

I thought about finishing my law degree and how I decided I didn’t want to be a lawyer and so those last few subjects those last few assignments were a real push. I got there, I graduated. Worth it.

And so I pushed through those ten days of no speaking, no reading, no writing and all of that meditation.

And I can say having done it, well and truly worth it.

Discipline is underrated. Just because something is hard – mentally, physically, emotionally doesn’t mean there isn’t value to it. Quite the opposite. The biggest rewards come from the most challenging processes.

And I see the soul speakers who have the discipline to come to the coaching calls and do the work are the ones reaping the rewards.

There’s that great quote by John Maxwell, that says motivation gets you going, but discipline keeps you growing.

So my second big takeaway was around -

PERSPECTIVE + GRATITUDE

Despite feeling so awful I needed to get a grip. If I wasn’t crying I was slapping myself in the face, saying wake up to yourself.

There are many people who would love the opportunity to fly to the other side of the world, business class and take part in this course.

I heard one woman say she’s used up all her leave to do this.

I run a successful business doing what I love, I have ample time freedom. I have a healthy body, I have an amazing apartment, a brilliant family, a phenomenal man who literally tells me I am beautiful queen every single day. I cannot think of a single part of my life that is not amazing. And I credit my gratitude practice to feeling that way.

And I know there are many people not in a situation as good as mine.

And the Perspective / Gratitude factor, the PG is an approach that works wonders with public speaking fears. You literally cannot be fearful at the same time as being grateful, and if you check out episode 143 of That Voice Podcast, you’ll hear more about how to use this incredible technique to overcome fears around speaking.

And the surprising thing was – how little I thought of my business. I thought I’d be devising plans for my funnel and creating new coaching programs. And while I did of course think of it and think of you my clients and audience. It wasn’t at the forefront of my mind. I thought I’d leave itching to get back on emails and create content, and that isn’t really what happened. I thought way more of my friends and family than I did of my work.

So I learned the value of discipline, the importance of being grateful and having perspective and most of all I learnt about myself. I learnt what I don’t like doing and what I like doing.

I ask clients what do you do for fun? What do you like doing? And sometimes they can’t answer. They don’t know. I’ve been in that position in my life where I was just doing all the things because isn’t that just what you do, without stopping and getting clear on what you actually want. What brings you joy. There are so many hours in a day, stop reading, writing, talking, exercising and meditate for 11 hours a day and you will discover how much time we have. So why are people running around saying they never have enough time, they’re always busy and yet not spending those precious hours being in alignment with your soul’s purpose and values.

Now I need to make clear that every person has a different experience with Vipassana and the majority of people loved it. I am not even joking. People were there on their second, third, eight time. One woman said she wanted to hide in the cupboard so she didn’t have to leave. Another described it as simply wonderful. So there I am cautiously nodding with wide surprised eyes wondering if they’d been given a drug I missed the rounds on. But NO. And people do this for 30 and even 45 days. Some monks live like this as a way of life.

This is a personal account of my unique experience. And I hope you’re appreciated my honesty with this. It would have been so easy to say oh my god, it was amazing, I really found my zen, connected with my soul. I’m keeping it real with you.

Would I recommend going? I’d be super clear on your reasons. If I’m completely honest with myself, I don’t know if I would have done it without the ability to do what I’m doing now, which is to share about it. I enjoy taking on challenges, having experiences largely so I can talk about it with you. Is that reason bad? I mean, most people wouldn’t even know what  a Vipassana Meditation Course was without hearing it on a podcast like this or seeing a You Tube video or a social post. And I believe one of the biggest gift of service is to share your story with others.

And I’m always encouraging my clients to step out of their comfort zone and experience the magic that comes from doing that. Challenging themselves to try something outside the story of their identity. I believe any coach worth investing in, is someone who not only talks the talk but walks the walk they embody what they teach, and I’m proud to say that’s what attracts most of my clients to me, the energy of embodying my message. For me, I thought those ten days would be out of my comfort zone, woah, it was a giant leap outside my comfort zone. And while at the time it was so hard. You only needed to watch my TikTok or Insta story I filmed on the last day to see the raw emotion I was feeling. The story has expired, the TikTok is still there @sallyprosservoice. I see now that the size of the leap equates to the size of the growth and I feel more peaceful and more powerful than I ever have in my life.

So BE BRAVE, that might be venturing into a Vipassana, it might be posting that video on socials, it might be finally signing up to Soul Speakers and saying YES to growing your speaking skills, saying YES to being seen, jolting yourself off pause in the matrix and declaring yourself as a player here to make a difference.

If you have any more questions about my Vipassana Meditation experience, my DM’s are open @sallyprosservoice, especially if you’re a Soul Speaker.