215. 3 tips for tricky conversations

Have you ever put-off or botched a tricky conversation?

It can make the problem worse, can't it?!

This episode gives you three practical tools to lean into those tricky conversations with confidence and courage.

1. ATTACK THE PROBLEM NOT THE PERSON

I share the 3 words to avoid.

2. PHYSICAL STATE FIRST

What you can do to bring your emotions under control.

3. PREPARE AND PRACTISE

How to prepare for the unknown.

Transcript

Oh I really don’t want to have this conversation …

I’m dreading your reaction …

I worry my emotions will get the better of me …

These are phrases I hear from my clients quite often.

It might be a business owner who needs to have a tough conversation with an employee or contractor who’s not meeting expectations.

It might be a professional who feels their manager is undermining them and they want to bring it up in their next 1 to 1.

It might be a highly charged conversation you need to have with your partner or a parent or a child, and you know the issue is eating away at the relationship but you fear the conversation might sever it altogether, so you put it off.

Communication isn’t always easy.

And that’s why you have this podcast.

Because you can learn to be a better communicator, and carrying that energetic weight of a conversation you’re afraid of having, or one that’s badly handled is going to get you down.

Words have weight and unspoken words sit in your system like poisonous pills, weighing you down, eating you up.

So this episode is designed to lighten the load, so you have the language, the confidence and the courage to have those tricky conversations and have them well.

In fact, you might find they’re not even that tricky.

Now of course each scenario is different. There are so many factors, including the environment, the relationship dynamic, the history and that’s why if you’re having a challenge in this area, book in for a 1 to 1, so I can give you the exact approach for your situation.

This is also the kind of content I cover in my team workshop called LEAD WITH YOUR VOICE. So if you have a team of leaders who are having these tricky conversations, get in touch – I would love to come in and help out.

In today’s episode I’m sharing 3 broad tips for tricky conversations.

And the first tip is … ATTACK THE PROBLEM NOT THE PERSON

You want to make the problem like a third person in the conversation.

This is how we stop things becoming combative and personal.

What happens when you’re under personal attack?

Usually people defend.

And when you get into defensive-land, very tricky to pull it back.

A good sister episode to this one is my 4-step Feedback Framework – episode 194.

So how do you attack the problem not the person.

Well as a general guideline avoid the words YOU, WHY, and ME.

Phrases like Why did you upset me? Or Why did you do that? Aren’t great.

WHY is a very triggering word for a lot of people. It has strong, negative connotations. It often harks back to childhood that feeling of needing to justify yourself, of never being good enough of always being questioned. And so the word WHY can nick a wound.

And of course YOU and ME, makes it about YOU and ME.

The lights are down, the boxing gloves are on and it’s about to get personal.

Make it about IT – the problem.

Instead of YOU didn’t respond to my email.

The email didn’t get seen and the customer order was missed.

Instead of Why did you stack the boxes like that?

Try What was the thought process behind stacking the boxes?

So start thinking about how you can tweak your language to be about the problem not about the person. Because then of course you’re a lot better placed to move things to a solution.

Which can occur after there is agreement on the problem. Go back and listen to episode 194 the 4-step feedback framework goes into more details.

Number 2 – PHYSICAL STATE FIRST

The reason these conversations can go pear shaped, and end in tears and yelling and not a great outcome, is because emotions hijack your voice.

If you’re like me, you have no interest in being emotion-less. But these e-motions, this energy in motion needs to move through your voice not take over your voice.

So listen to your body.

What are the early warning signs.. the pounding heart, the shortening breath, the river of red rising in your face, the tension creeping up your neck, the tears welling behind the eyes.

The words don’t lead. Your physical state is first – so keep that as the priority.

Take a deep breath.

Take a sip of water.

Maybe stand up.

Maybe excuse yourself for the bathroom.

Because if you don’t put your physical state first, you won’t have control over what you say and how you say it. The frustration will grab the wheel and crash head on. Or the disappointment will grab the wheel and you won’t be able to produce any words.

Or the other person will turn their whole attention to addressing your emotion.

The conversation turns to calming you down or getting you tissues and abandons the reason you’re there in the first place.

Now I know there is a whole lot more at play here, especially for women in predominantly male environments. This is part of the nuance we address in private sessions.

The tip stands for everybody in every situation – put your PHYSICAL STATE FIRST.

Knowing how to bring your energy back to you, is more important than knowing what to say. Because you won’t know what to say if your negative emotions take control.

And that leads to our final tip – PREPARE AND PRACTICE – with a coach or on your own.

Write down – what is the actual problem?

What is the outcome you want?

What are your key messages?

What are the responses that could come your way? The questions?

When I was in PR for the water company. We would write pages and pages of QandA’s – all the possible questions a journalist could ask us on an issue, and we would practice. In a meeting room, I’d play journalist and grill my boss and then we’d swap.

If you want your communication to be clear, you want to choose your words carefully.. then you don’t want the actual conversation to be the first time those words are leaving your lips.

That’s like being a professional footballer, and not practicing the plays before the game.

Even if you talk it out aloud walking around the house or in the shower.

Move away from the avoidance energy and lean into the conversation.

Attack the problem not the person, put your physical state first and prepare and practice.

And back yourself. Remember the reason you’re having this conversation in the first place. To shake off the weight.

And of course reach out if you need support.

You’ve got this.