22. Win the confidence game

To kick off Season Two I share some pretty personal tales of how my confidence has been crushed and some lessons learned about the confidence game.

Transcript

Confidence in your voice begins with confidence in yourself. Okay. That might be pretty obvious and not one for the inspo flashcards, but confidence is such a big thing for my clients, for myself, for all of us I'd say. When we speak with confidence, it is powerful. It has impact and radiates well beyond us. So how do you, or can you, win the confidence game?

I'm Sally Prosser and you're listening to That Voice Podcast. No matter who you are or what you do, your voice matters and unless you've sworn a lifetime vow of silence. This is the podcast for you.

Welcome back to That Voice Podcast and welcome to Season Two which also happens to be Episode 22 I hope you had a refreshing break over Christmas and anyone who's been caught up in the bushfires, I hope you're getting what you need and can feel the love and support that's coming from right around the world. My mum and my aunt and uncle have places down at Moruya on the New South Wales South Coast, and it's been tough. Their homes are still standing fortunately, but you know they've been right in the thick of having no power, no food for animals, no access with the highway closed so it's touched me personally as I'm sure it has for many of you.

If you listened to Season One, welcome back, really appreciate your support and if you're a newbie welcome to That Voice Podcast. Great to have you here. This season will be the same format as the last, so there's 10 minutes of me chatting about something voice and then 20 minutes with a fabulous guest and I've got some pretty cool guests lined up this season including a women's self defense instructor, a tour guide of glow worm caves and I'll be chatting to the voice of Siri.

I also want to bring the theme of confidence through a bit more this season. If a person lacks self-confidence, chances are their voice is pretty small, like they won't even give themselves permission to be heard. On the flip side, if you're feeling super confident, chances are your voice is going to sound pretty free and pretty great. I've been in both those scenarios and I'm guessing you have too because we need to understand what confidence is. Confidence is a feeling and feeling are fluid. Just like you're not happy, sad or angry all the time, you're probably not going to be confident all the time. Confidence is a feeling which means it's not fixed. I don't think it's something you are, it's something you feel. It's not innate. And people and situations affect how confident we feel.

So why am I doing this episode to kick off Season Two?

Well, I have a lot of people who tell me how confident I am. Like 'Sal, you're just so confident, you speak with confidence. You put these confident videos on social media, you have no problem, you know you're confident approaching strangers at events.' Although I'll tell you what, a few years on Tinder helps with that because you're constantly meeting strangers and thank you. It's true. These days I do feel confident most of the time, but I want to share with you that this hasn't always been the case. My feelings of confidence have been knocked around a fair bit actually.

When I was 18 I did an exchange year to Brazil and while it was amazing. I put on about 20 kilos and that really affected my confidence in myself.

When I was 21 I walked in on my boyfriend at the time in bed with one of his year 12 students. He's a high school PE teacher. That enraged many things inside me, but yeah, it definitely knocked my confidence.

When I was 27 I moved to Brisbane after running a news bureau in Rockhampton and for several months I couldn't even get a callback for basic admin jobs. I felt like a total failure and definitely not confident.

In those times I could feel my posture slump and and my voice retreat inside me almost like it was crawling down my body. The exact opposite of what I help people do now

It wasn't fun. I did bounce back each time. Confidence is a feeling, not a fixture, but I do believe the more your confidence is stripped away, the harder it is to build back. And my confidence was at it's all time lowest when I was 29 also 30 going into 31. I'll tell you a bit of the story. I could honestly do an entire podcast about the whole thing, but here's the abstract version. So I thought I'd met the man of my dreams, the "one," the most amazing man I'd ever met. He was smart and funny and hot, and before you roll your eyes and think, Oh God, a typical boy story, this one's a little bit different. So everything was perfect and amazing. You know, I'm talking helicopter tours of vineyards, romantic surprise picnics entire weekends in bed. And this man told me he was a doctor at the Royal Brisbane and Women's hospital. Now about eight months in, some serious cracks, started to show. It's ironic, the book, "The Confidence Game" is actually all about the psychology of the con and why we fall for it. And that's pretty much what happened. I fell for a con. Now keep in mind, this is very much the abridged version as we only have 10 minutes and I need to hurry up and get to the point where my confidence was so shattered, I was actually having suicidal thoughts.

In a nutshell, turns out this man wasn't a doctor. I don't know what the hell he did. And I still don't. The excuses ranged from being in witness protection to being an international spy. Yeah, no joke. It was the spy who shagged me, you know, and this was the guy I was convinced was my future, my forever person - now gaslighting me in a really bad way. And if you don't know what gaslighting is, it's when you manipulate someone to doubt their own sanity. So I had no idea where he was going, what he was doing, who he was seeing, and I was the one who didn't understand.

Hindsight really is a beautiful thing and I can see why it eroded my confidence so badly. I was doubting everything and most of all I doubted myself. And it wasn't like the typical self doubt. It was like I actually didn't trust my instinct. I thought my instinct and intuition was faulty. You know, it's what got me into this nightmare to begin with. I actually was thinking of admitting myself for psychiatric care because I thought I was going crazy. I thought everything that I saw wasn't the truth. I thought I was living in a fantasy world. It was some serious "Dirty John" style stuff - for anyone who's listened to that podcast or seen that on Netflix. And it near destroyed me. You know, it was a period of time where my job was really what kept me going. I was working in PR at the time and I'd get home from work and spend the evenings crying in the bath with a glass of wine, listening to sad country songs. Let's be honest. Sometimes I still do that now for fun. And look, I know what your burning question is. It's what? What happened? What happened in the end?

Well, after far too many months of dragging things out in the hope I'd get answers. I came to terms with the fact that I wouldn't and had to move on. And the last couple of years have been me rebuilding myself, trusting myself and rediscovering that beautiful feeling of confidence. And taking my own medicine, using all the strategies that I teach about how to build confidence because it's not a given. It's not something you are, it's something you need to work on. Over time it gets easier, you get better. And looking back, I had the value of a really great childhood. I was a confident kid and I think that definitely helped. So I'm not just doing a one way therapy session here, been there, done that. There is a point and I have three takeaways for you today. One, confidence is a feeling, not a fixture. So that means you can't win the confidence game. You can be points up or points down, but no one's ever going to blow the whistle on full time, which means you gotta keep playing. There's constant risk of losing confidence, yet constant opportunity to build it and just like a game, if the strategy isn't working, change it, change tactics.

When I got home from Brazil, I went on a health kick, I lost the weight and started to feel good again, and I'm actually on a health kick at the moment because I know I feel more confident when I feel healthier. The teacher I walked in on, well, I'm sure you can relate - some of the biggest heartbreaks, turn out for the best and you know that saying, 'but for the grace of God, go I' ... and even though I struggled to get work when I first moved to Brisbane, the right job came up and I started producing in the Ten news room. All that, put my confidence points on the board. Now number two, pick your team carefully. Believe me, this can be tricky, but try to identify who has your best interests at heart and watch out for people who make you turn on yourself and lose trust in yourself.

I believe confidence comes from within, but you and I both know other people can crush your confidence and other people can boost your confidence and that's actually the nicest thing my clients say about me is that I am a confidence booster. And finally, number three, if you want to be successful in the confidence game, put in the work, do the training, invest in yourself, invest money, time and effort into your confidence. It is so worth it. You know, I reckon confidence is the golden key to a great life and you owe it to yourself to give the confidence game your best crack. And please never write yourself off as someone who just isn't confident.

So to wrap up - one, you can't win the confidence game. Just be points up or points down. So change tactics if things aren't working. Two, pick your team carefully, pick those who boost your confidence, not erode it. And three, put in the training, put in the effort. And throughout this season of the podcast, my guests and myself are going to give you heaps of practical strategies you can use to get out there. And even though you can't win the confidence game, you can sure as hell stay points up on the field.

And we're starting next week with Kate Maree O'Brien, who in her own words is obsessed with no bullshit leadership. And it's not about the traditional leader. It's about every one of us finding that light of leadership within ourselves. She also founded that massive conference called SHE, which is actually Australia's largest women's leadership and empowerment events. So good. Kate's had a tough time in the confidence game too, and she generously shares her experiences, so I'd love you to tune in next Monday.

Thanks for listening to That Voice Podcast. Shoot me a message to say, you tuned in. I'm on Insta @sallyprosservoice or find me on LinkedIn.